Complicated Questions, Simple Answers.

Lesson of the month: Dr. Seuss had it right; the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.


They really are. Over break I had the chance to spend a morning with one of my favorite people, and I asked her about her thoughts on a pretty specific subject. Waiting for the formula or list, I was a little surprised when all she said was, "Just keep your relationship with God strong."


A week later, lunch with my grandma. I asked her the same question and she mysteriously told me she had her answer written down in her truck. Which was weird, because she didn't know that I even had a question to ask her. But you don't argue with grandmas. When we walked out to the parking lot she unlocked her vehicle and pulled out a bookmark with the words written on it, "Trust in the Lord."


Ever since coming back to school I have been continuing my search to find the perfect list or detailed document that will tell me what God wants me to do. I mean I have been in prayer, ladies and gentlemen. God and I have been talking a lot. Well, actually no. I have been talking a lot.


Looking back now, I can see that the turning point was a few days ago when I was going through an old journal. I seriously love and highly recommend taking notes when you go to church or listen to messages or see something wise on Pinterest. There are so many times I've had to re-learn things God has already taught me.


But anyways, I was reading something from probably my freshman year of college? Kind of guessing here. But it was a lesson a friend of mine gave over the story in John 6. Jesus had just done the miracle where He feeds 5,000 people with only five small barley loaves of bread and two fish. And so now He's changed locations and some of the people freak out and run to find Him. Once they do they ask Him, "When did you get here?" And then Jesus says, "You're only looking for me, not because you saw miraculous signs, but because you got to eat the food I provided."


And my friend paused and said this, "It's like Jesus was saying, 'Would you forget about the bread? It's not about the bread. It's about Me."


And I am so glad I wrote that little comment down.


Because honestly in life I have had to go back to that multiple times.


Times when I have had theological questions that kept me from wanting to talk to God. "Alonnah, it's not about the insight. It's about Me."


Seasons when I have been in relationships where I kept asking God for guidance. "Alonnah, it's not about the guy. It's about Me."


Big life choices, like what major to choose and where to go to college.
"Alonnah, it's not about the decisions. It's about Me."

I've frequently come upon those two sentences during times where I've been really wanting answers from God. But it's funny because honestly those words, which are almost telling me I'm not getting my answers, give me complete and utter peace.

Because they finally put my priorities in order.

And then today at church we were going through 1 John (which is one of my favorite books ever) and we are in chapter 2 and then get to verses 3-6:

"We know that we have come to know (Jesus) if we obey His commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys His word, love for God is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did."

And I used to freak out and think that this meant when I disobeyed Christ I didn't know Him, but I don't think that's what these verses are saying anymore. I think these verses help us do a self check and see, "Hey, Jesus has been changing the way I've lived my life. I do know Him."

Okay so flip side. Main point. When you know Him, He changes you.

So, if you want to know what He wants you to do, if you want the answers to where to go to college or who to marry or when to get a tattoo but He isn't telling you- just get to know Him. When you abide in Him, your love for God is perfected.

It's not about the route. It's about Jesus. Because Jesus gives us direction.

It's not about the millions of different and complicated and specific questions. Because Jesus is the simple answer.

And I wasn't even going to write this post, but then I read a page out of "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers and God highlighted this idea for me once again.

I'll just type out my favorite parts.

"The call of God is not a call to serve Him in any particular way. My contact with the nature of God will shape my understanding of His call and will help me realize what I truly desire to do for Him...God brings me into a proper relationships with Himself so that I can understand His call, and then I serve Him on my own out of motivation of absolute love...The Son of God reveals Himself in me, and out of devotion to Him service becomes my everyday way of life."

It's so simple it sounds silly. But our answers come from just being with God.

Born again Christians have the Holy Spirit. And God is a good Father. He's not going to make you play guessing games on what you are supposed to do or where you are supposed to go. When He wants something to be made clear, He will make it clear. But if He isn't, and often He doesn't, we can rest in knowing that when our focus is on Him we are investing in something far greater than the answers to our questions.

Back up about a month and a half ago. I was sitting at one of my favorite spots in Warrensburg, one of the places I go to think and get fresh air and spend time with God. And the verse in Romans 8, where it says the Holy Spirit prays for us, (Romans 8:26) was spot on and I was babbling on about how confused I was. I remember telling God, "I have so many questions for You once I get to heaven."

And I felt like God whispered, "I know. But I bet once you get here you won't care about them."

It's okay to ask questions like in Psalm 143:8, "Show me the way I should walk." I think God is so blessed by that. But I think after praying that, I want to start walking with Him. I don't want to stand still and refuse to do anything until I get a road map. I want to ask for guidance, and keep asking, but ask while I walk with Him. Basically I want to search Him out more than I want to search out the answers.
So my friend was right when she said to simply keep my relationship with the Lord strong. My grandma knew what she was talking about when she told me to trust Him with all my heart.


Because when you know someone, truly know them, you know what they want you to do.

Because when we know Him, then we will obey His commands.

Thoughts on Christmas and Grace.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year:

 

About 2,000 years ago, this chick was caught either cheating on her husband, helping someone cheat on their wife, or possibly both. And "caught" doesn't mean people found out about it later. Rather, the most successful people of that time walked in on her and pulled her out into the middle of the streets for everyone to see who she really was and what she had done. The punishment for adultery in that time period was to be stoned. So, all the authorities gathered around her. Seeing Jesus, the authorities decided to include Him in on what was going down. And then this happened:

 

Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.

Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?”

“No one, Master.”

“Neither do I,” said Jesus. “Go on your way. From now on, don’t sin.”

 

(John 8, MSG)

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Okay, so plot twist.

The woman gives Jesus a confused look, shakes her head, and calls back to the men who had wanted to kill her, "Hey! Where are you going? Come back here! I just committed adultery and so you're supposed to stone me. That's the way we do things."

 

What a dummy. Right?

 

But isn't that what we do?

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We think things have to be "fair" before we get to know Jesus. We have this mind set that because we struggle with a drug addiction or a sex addiction or a lying addiction that we are going to get lit on fire the second we walk into a church. So, we try and try to get to the point where we are "good" so that maybe if we talk to God He will listen.

 

The problem is, we never get "good". 

 

We spend night after night tossing and turning because once again we've fallen to the same sin that has caught us every time. And we think we are going to go crazy, because the second we get to the point where we think, "Okay, things are going good. I'm going to try to pray tonight," we turn around and mess it up again.

 

We can't get clean without Him.  But we don't think we're clean enough to go to Him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

But think about this.

 

If the women would have gotten rid of her sin her way, she'd be dead.

 

Jesus saw her, and saw there was no way she could have a relationship with Him. If she tried to do it without Him.

 

So He went up, and in the midst of her darkest moment, told her she was forgiven. And the funny thing is, He knew more about her sins than any of the guys ready to stone her. He knew everything. But He didn't care. All He knew was that He loved her so much and wanted her to have the opportunity to know that.

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This is us. This is Christmas.

 

God knows our darkest. He knows our weaknesses. He is familiar with all of our habits and ways. And He knows we are hopeless without Him. And so He sends Jesus.

 

The reason this is the most wonderful time of the year is because it represents what Jesus did when He crouched down and wrote in that dirt. It represents Him coming to the rescue.

 

So, if you are at that point where you feel you are never going to be able to enter a church or pray to God or be good enough, you are absolutely right and absolutely wrong.

 

Truth, you won't be good enough.

Truth, you don't have to be.

 

This Christmas, I challenge you to do what I imagine that woman did. She didn't try to hide from Jesus who she was. She didn't run away, put her clothes back on, and come back and try to pretend to be someone different. She stood in awe of grace that was greater than her worst sin.  And she accepted it. She accepted the fact that she was sinful, and then accepted the fact that Jesus was going to take care of it.

 

If you only know about Jesus, but don't know Him, find someone who can introduce you. Try out a church. Talk to someone who does know Him. Download a Bible app and read Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. Doesn't matter which. I personally like Luke. But they all rock.

 

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A week or two ago I was really thinking about relationships. And I remembered that the best ones I ever had were ones where the communication was just super, super honest. I've had some pretty raw conversations and gone through quite a few tears, but I always preferred the people who would be real and genuine with me than those who tried to hide stuff to seem perfect.

 

 

It was a few nights ago that God whispered to me, "Why would I want anything different?"

 

God loves you. Anything that screams something different is a lie. He's not worried about you being perfect; that's why He sent Jesus. He's more worried about you trying to fix the mess yourself. Because He knows it's not going to get you anywhere. (And probably deep down, you know that too.)

 

So, have hope. Know Christ. Be honest with God. Tell Him your thoughts, your fears, your sins, and your life. Read the Bible and get to know Him. Talk to other Christians and get to know them. And find your life, once you lay down all the goals and failed attempts and pretend crap.

Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night. 

 

 

 

 

  

Let's Be Really Honest. Why Did God Do That?

Man, oh man. I am getting real good at not consistently updating this thing.

For those of you who hadn't heard, this summer I traveled the country like a nomad for 10 weeks, working with an organization who put on Christian summer camps to tell middle school and high school students about Christ. The adventure started May 20th in Alabama and ended about a month ago in New Mexico. Besides meeting some amazing warriors for the Lord, I also learned exactly how horrible altitude sickness can be, where to go to buy a cheap Baja, and just how addicting it is to start saying the word "ya'll!" to everyone you meet.

It was the most memorable summer. And now it is over.

Because I was so busy I sometimes didn't even have time to think, I really wasn't able to document all the things God was teaching me week by week. So now, here I am sitting in my new apartment with literally nothing to do on a Saturday morning (besides looking forward to my shopping trip to Aldi's. Yes, that is how packed my day is.), I decided to take just a few moments to reflect and report what was spiritually going on the past two to three months of my life.

Alrighties. Here we go.

I went into this summer thinking that I trusted God. Pretty good thing for a Christian to believe, I'd say. And I guess I did trust Him, to some extent. I was banking on Him to give me salvation when I die. I was 100% that He heard me when I prayed to Him. Everything I read in the Bible made sense and I understood it and things were good.
It stayed that way for a few weeks. And then it didn't.

Call it spiritual warfare, call it being too busy to have one-on-one with the Lord, or maybe call it God finally opening my eyes to things I wasn't sure I was ready for- but like a classic Alonnah moment, I started struggling with doubt.

Gosh dang it crap.

I hate doubt.

If you know me and my spiritual history at all, you'd get that this is really nothing new. It seems like every year or two there's a few weeks where I start experiencing emotional doubt or logical doubt or some type of thing where I feel off and weird and have to buckle down and pray for a good long time.

So at first I was not worried.

I mean I didn't enjoy it. Who enjoys feeling like everything they believe in may or may not be true? Like your world is rocked and you have no control over what is shifting it? No, I definitely was not happy about this surfacing up into my life, but I was confident that it would fade away like it usually does.

But it didn't. Week one went by. Doubt. Week two. Doubt. Three, four, five. Doubt. Six, seven, eight. Still. Doubt.

And as each week progressed and I still didn't feel complete peace or receive complete answers to my questions, I grew more and more agitated. I was seeking God. Searching for Him with all of my heart. And according to the Bible that meant I was supposed to find Him. But I wasn't.

Most of my doubts were questions that came from why  God would make certain things happen. Why things went down the way they did. I was frustrated because I knew God was called "good" and that's the way I had always seen Him, but the things I saw in the world were not good things. How could He be in complete, sovereign control when this world was a mess?

Take a pause from this for a second.

This summer we had a thing called "Secret Encourager", where everyone got one person from the team who they were supposed to encourage throughout the summer. The last two weeks before the summer was over we had an event called "Christmas", where you got your person a nice gift and revealed who you were. Thankfully for me (who is horrible at giving people gifts) we filled out these cards giving suggestions for what we wanted.

I'd been Facebook messaging a friend from back home who suggested I read the book The Pleasures of God by John Piper. I knew nothing about the book, but really respected this person's opinion and had a lot of respect for John Piper as well, so decided to go ahead and put that down as an item on my Christmas list.

Well, when Christmas rolled around, I not only was super surprised by who my SE was (he did an awesome job!) but was also super stoked to receive The Pleasures of God as one of my Christmas gifts.

The next morning, for reasons I can't understand (ie. God did it) even though we were allowed to sleep in late that day, I woke up at an unfathomably early hour. So I stepped outside, The Pleasures of God in hand, and decided to finally find out what kind of book I'd been given.

I read the first page and a half and was wrecked.

Piper begins by explaining that when you want to see the true character of a person, you look at what they desire. Whether it's comfort, power, acceptance- that desire shows you where their heart is truly at. Yeah, that made logical sense to me.

Then he explained that we can do that with God. Look at what He desires, and then see His heart.

And I lost it.

Finally (thanks to God whispering the connection to me) I saw that I'd been asking the wrong questions all summer. I'd been so focused on the "Whys" and hadn't even looked at the "Who". I wanted to know why God allowed this person to be poor. Why God didn't prevent us from getting ourselves into trouble. Why this. Why that.
I was basing my view of God off of His actions.

Instead of His motives.

And the reason that was so dangerous is because God sees it all, and I don't. So when He does something out of love, that doesn't look like love from my human standpoint, I can't look at the action and say, "You are not loving!" Because I don't have enough wisdom to see if it's actually loving or not. Because I'm human.

But if I look at the character of God, and read through the Bible the things which He desires, I can see that every action He takes is one of love.

It's like if I went to the store and bought twenty pairs of shoes because they were on sale. Someone might look at me and say, "What a greedy shopaholic." But if I was taking those shoes to donate them to the needy, the opinion that I was greedy would be totally incorrect.

We are so quick to judge as humans. Quick to judge one another. And very, very shamefully quick to judge our Creator. Which is totally backwards, but it's true.

We can't solely look at what God does to see His heart. Sometimes we see Him through actions. (1 John 3:16). But because we haven't been given wisdom to know the outcome of every situation, we can't base our beliefs of God off of those.

So I sat there, in Glorieta, New Mexico, stunned. Literally speechless. Finally, after weeks of wondering and waiting and looking for all the wrong answers, God gently showed me I'd been asking the wrong questions. Instead of looking for the logic behind why He did what, I just needed to be looking for Him.

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

I wish I could say it ended there, but it hasn't. I've been waiting for that "aha" moment when all my questions were taken away and I felt satisfied again. But I don't think that's going to happen. And that's okay. I overheard one of the worship leaders this summer mention something to a student and God really tattooed it in my mind:

"Sometimes we can let knowledge become an idol."

And that's what I was doing before I left for the summer, during the summer, and still struggle with now. I love logic, when things make sense. I like trusting in what I know.

But that's not faith.

And I believe wisdom is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. And it can become a bad thing when we get frustrated with God for not answering our questions, instead of resting in peaceful submission to the questions He's answered today.

I was reading the Jesus Calling devotional for August 7th, and it crushed me (in a good way).

"Understanding will never bring you Peace. That's why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops us to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived."

We will not get all of our questions answered this side of eternity. Paul tells us that plainly in 1 Corinthians 13:12, "Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."

I've been doing a study through the app She Reads Truth about the Gospel. One of my favorite quotes from it so far:
"The Gospel is so plain a child can see it clearly, yet so mysterious the most educated theologians will always have more to learn...But let's not misunderstand: the mystery of the Gospel does nothing to negate its truth."

I think it's going to be a slow process, and I think that's because God knows slow is what I need. To grow my dependence on Him. To grow my faith.

I've never struggled with doubt this long or this hard before. But I know beauty is coming out of it. Why? Because He is good. Eccelsiastes 3:11 keeps popping up, so I'll go ahead and share that one too:

 "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

We are created to want to know the Whys, but God isn't offering all of those up yet. So we search Him and trust Him and grow.

I don't know who this Everwood guy is, but here's a quote I found on Pinterest. He's probably not talking about God here, but I'd like to take these words and apply them to my walk with Christ. Especially the end, when he says, "Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart... where your hope lives."
Psalm 62:5, "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him."

Like I said, I still have questions. I still have confusion. But I remain confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14).

Peace out, cub scout.

Over Preview, First Three Pages

Chapter 1

I am so sorry.
          Is that an okay way to start a book? I've thought about the different words I could use to grab your attention or snag your interest. I know there are probably better first sentence starters, but I also understand that sometimes when you are in pain those cute and overused phrases aren't all that entertaining or appreciated. And I know many of you are in pain because break-ups hurt. They suck.
          So I'll say it again, I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry you are going through this.
          Sometimes people make us feel like being hurt over a guy is a wimpy thing. With so many struggles going on in the world having some boy not like you anymore should be the least of your worries, right? You're embarrassed when people ask what you'd like prayer for- because you know there are those out there with far more severe requests. But just like God sees all sinners as needing a Savior, I think He sees all those in pain as needing a Comforter. Try to forget what married people always say about "time healing everything" and "you'll be thankful it didn't work out someday." It is fine to feel sad. Own up to the fact that you really cared about that relationship.
          I think we as girls go too far in either one direction or the other. There is no middle ground. It seems like if we want people to know we are hurting we post 4 Facebook statuses, 10 tweets, and who knows how many depressing Pinterest quotes. We talk about it any chance we get, let our mascara stay on our cheeks after a good cry, and keep a woebegone look on our face to make sure everyone knows we are in a rough spot. That seems to be one tactic for the overdramatic. And I do speak from experience.
          So it seems like we either do that or we swing in the opposite direction. We go blank. No one is allowed to know about our suffering- we're too strong for that. We use sarcasm, humor, fake giggles, and filters to mask the fact that we didn't get what we were hoping for.
          We don't need to down play it, but we don't need to up play it either. What we need to do is realize that we are feeling pain and that is okay. In fact, it's kind of expected. It is rumored that Williams Shakespeare once said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." So if you were hoping for the relationship to last and it didn't, heartache makes a little bit of sense.
          It's not cliché, unless you think being an actual human being with feelings is cliché. It's not wimpy. It's not shameful. You are allowed to be hurting.

 

The Profile of a Sufferer 
I think another lie society has pumped into our veins is the reason on why we suffer. So often we think to ourselves, "If I had only been smarter. If I could have seen it coming." That is ridiculous. Being smart doesn't keep you from pain. Jesus saw His crucifixion coming- and He sure suffered during that.
          Maybe you're thinking, "No, I just really am stupid. He said this and I believed him. He said that and I took it to heart." You know what? You took someone at their word. That is not your fault.
          Sometimes we think we're suffering because of sin. Or because God is mad at us. While sin does lead to suffering, that is certainly not where all suffering comes from. Sometimes it's from outside sources. Like when Joseph was sold into slavery. It wasn't because he had done anything sinful, it was because his brothers were jealous of him. Or when David was being pursued by Saul, who was trying to kill him. It wasn't because David had done anything wrong- all David had been doing was obeying God. But he had to go through suffering because of Saul's actions. Grief comes from a multitude of reasons. Some we can pinpoint and others we cannot. It is nice to think back and see why we had to endure certain things, to remember previous pain and say, "That's why that happened!" But we aren't always guaranteed an answer to every time we have to go through things that hurt us. There are a lot of times our trials leave us confused. There is no black and white answer on the causes and purposes of hardships. Really, the only thing we know about trials is that God is able to use them. No matter what they are.
          I went through this period of time when I thought the reason bad things were happening to me was because I wasn't following God diligently enough. I had figured that since God was so protective and powerful if I stayed close enough to Him I couldn't get hurt. So when life seemed to be out to get me I felt like it was my fault for not spending more time with God.  Or because I hadn't been a faithful enough Christian. I thought that I was doing something sinful and receiving my punishment.
          Oh, Alonnah. You were so wrong.
          In John 16:33 Jesus tells us that in this world we will have trials. In James 1:2 we're told to see trials as an opportunity to grow us. These are things written to Christians. Not specifically to dumb Christians or smart Christians, not addressed only to weak Christians or strong ones. Just Christians in general. No one gets a pass on this. James doesn't say, "If you are dumb and fall into a trial..." He says "when". Because it's going to happen and it's going to happen to everyone.
          But we want to pretend that we are different. Maybe it's because Hollywood glorifies the "unbreakable" girl. The one who isn't hurt by anyone. She walks around with a tough exterior, not caring who or what walks out of her life. And sometimes we desire to be like that. But the only problem with the "unbreakable" girl is that usually to become unbreakable you have to keep yourself from ever being genuine with others. C.S. Lewis explains it in this quote:

 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

 

So if we start pegging ourselves as, "I don't care about him. I don't give a crap that it's over," what we are really doing is trying to train ourselves to become unbreakable- training ourselves to not love those around us.
          Be real with yourself. You are allowed to feel pain. You are allowed to need comfort. If you didn't, God would not call Himself Comforter. But He does, and He does it because He knows "Comforter" is something we need in this painful, broken world.

 

When God doesn't want to talk to you.

It's over.

Thank goodness it's all over.

My classes have ended and the Christmas season is complete. Meaning, work hours have been cut. And for me this is a good thing.

All I have done today is a little God time, ran a few miles, and stalked people on Facebook. No mandatory studying. No make-up.

It has been a very, very good day.

And thanks to the free time, while I probably should be working on my book, I've decided to compose a little of what God's been having to teach me these past threeish months:

What to do when God's silent.

I don't know when it officially started, but I've been kind of sucking with one on one time with God. When I make time for it, I'm about 90% distracted. And the 10% of the time when I'm not distracted, I feel like I'm not getting anything.

Like I'll read the Bible, but it's stuff I've heard before. And it's good to be reminded, but I crave something new and exciting. Something convicting and powerful. And I ask the Holy Spirit to open my eyes to whatever's not clicking, but a lot of times I get zilch.

And because I felt like I couldn't get what God was trying to say, it made time with Him a little less desirable.

A few months back I was finishing up a really, really good run. It was perfect temperature, I'd made great time, and I'd even seen a deer along the route, which was cool. As I was standing by my car thanking God for such a nice moment, I tried to figure out if He was telling me something. Because I wanted to hear from Him. Anything. Was the run an analogy for blessings I wasn't paying attention to? Did the deer represent something important? I asked God a couple of times what He was trying to tell me, and just kept coming up with some pretty ridiculous ideas that were obviously from my own imagination and not the Lord Almighty. Finally, I got something that was from God:

"Let me talk when I want to talk."

Oh, dang. Okay, God.

It became very clear that while I was yearning for Him to speak, if God didn't want to say anything, that was His prerogative. He was God. Me putting words in His mouth because I wanted to hear something was stupid. God is God and He doesn't need help from me. If He wants to make something obvious- He is very able to do that.

And because God is good, even when things aren't clear, it's okay.

Even when it feels like no answers are coming, and no hevy revys are on their way, it's okay.

In Job 38:2, God asks Job, "Who is putting these words in My mouth with no idea what they are talking about?"


I think we do need to be ready to listen, by setting aside quiet time with Him and reading His Word. But I've also learned that really it's foolish to become angry with God (and ourselves) when we feel like He's not speaking to us. If God wanted to He would. If we are being obedient to Him, and we don't hear anything, it's because He's not talking. Why? I don't know. But He's God and He's got reasons. And they're good ones.


This next part goes out to writer friends. Or leaders. Or Speakers. Or whoever. Basically if you in some way talk about God to other people. (Which, this actually should be all Christians.)

Anyways, because I've been working on a book, I've started to realized that apparently you have to do all these things to get it published. Like build a platform. Which is incredibly frustrating to me, seeing as I don't want to be an author my entire life, I have one book I want to do, and do not have what you would call a "platform". I just want to publish. Like now. But in writer's world that's not how it works. You have to win contests and have fans. Have ideas for books to write after you publish your present one. Before you get published. What kind of nonsense is this? I have one book I want to do. One.

So I started freaking out. Majorly. I literally had to fast from working on my book because I could tell it was morphing into an idol. The thing that got me the most was the platform issue. Knowing that while my book was complete, I still needed more things to compose, to get "my name" out there.

I started asking God to show me things to write. Every little thing I would see I would try to relate it to God. Which you think would be a good thing, but it wasn't. Because it was for building my own kingdom. My platform. My crap.

I decided if I was going to get something good from God, something people could really sink their teeth into, I needed to "sacrifice" and get alone with God. I sat on my back porch and once again started asking questions.

I asked. And again, no answers. Questions, questions, questions. Silence. What the heck God? Here I was, neglecting my homework, ignoring my messy room for Him, and He wasn't showing me a darned thing.

Finally, I felt like I got something.

"Alonnah, I feel like you are interviewing me."

I froze. And then I think I cried. The realization that I was using God as a subject to interview, rather than a Father I was building a relationship with crushed me. It was so accurate. It's why I have waited months to write about it- because I didn't want God to think I was using that moment as another way to exploit His Spirit. I'm still uneasy writing about it.

I've learned to remind myself that there is no urgency for me to share what I have learned and who I am. God can talk to people directly. He can and has used animals to do it. If we don't worship Him, rocks will. Someone is going to worship and praise God. He is not limited to Alonnah Diez.
What there is an urgency for is for me to be obedient to my first love. To talk when He wants me to. And to shut up when He wants me to, in order to further our relationship.

I'm excited for my book. Really, really pumped, even though I'm not totally sure what path of publishing it's going to take. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just leak it on to the internet. We'll see. It depends on God. He wrote it anyway.

One very last thing on this subject of God being silent and us worrying- I was cleaning my room for company to come over when I came across the book, "Nice Girls Don't Change the World." Jessica Kent let me borrow it like two years ago. (If you ever let me borrow a book, don't expect it back within a year. I am a slow, slow reader.) Anyways, I opened it up and read the first chapter. It rocked.

The lady talked about how her entire life she tried to serve God to please Him. And it would drive her crazy when she would ask Him what He wanted her to do and she would get no response. Finally, she realized her frustration was coming from her fear of failing. If she didn't know the correct answer, she might mess up. And if she messed up...well crap.

Because she hadn't fully understood grace. She wasn't willing to totally abandon the idea that she was a good person and that she wouldn't disobey God. She wanted to try her best at everything, and so when God was quiet she flipped out.

But that's why grace is so beautiful. Because we don't have to live like we are walking on eggshells all the time. We are told to seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God.

Walk with our God.

Even when He is quiet, we trust Him. We trust Him to talk to us when we need to hear it. And we trust Him when He is quiet- that there is a reason why.

And we trust that when we screw up, because we weren't sure what to do or were too weak, that His grace really does abound in deepest waters.

My name is Alonnah Diez. I am guilty of putting words in God's mouth, using things He has told me to make myself look spiritually intelligent. I lack faith and patience. I have made idols out of things. Mostly myself. And this is only the stuff I am brave enough to admit outloud. But, my name is Alonnah Diez and I have received grace upon grace with all of this. Because God is good.

Even when He's silent.

A.Diez

Pick A Spot On Any Old Map

The semester's been crazy. If you can tell from my lack of posting it's that time of year. Classes have begun, work hours have gone up, and my homework load is massive. #CollegeLife.

However, last night I got a change to really sit back and relax- Courtney came over and we watched TV. Usually I'm not a big television person, but Courts got me hooked on a couple shows, and when things are always go go go, sometimes its nice to stop and eat some popcorn while watching spy episodes with my lovely friend.

If any of you have seen the show Chuck, you will appreciate this post. However, so you are warned, I will stop speaking to you if you tell me the ending. I am only halfway through season 3. So don't ruin it for me.

Anyways, last night that's what we were watching. For those of you who haven't seen Chuck, he's this computer nerd who gets accidently gets every government secret locked in his brain. He's super adorable and if he was a real person every girl would be fighting over him. But that's irrelevant. Because the part that stuck with me from last nights episode wasn't about Chuck at all. It was about his sister.

Ellie, Chuck's sister, is married to this man named Deven. Both are doctors, and they're a young, attractive couple. Because I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't seen the show, I'll keep it vague. Deven feels an urgency to travel the world and join the Doctors Without Borders organization. Ellie on the other hand, finally gets a job opportunity to help out with this organization in LA, one that she's been dreaming of being a part of since she was a kid. A good chunk of the episode shows the turmoil they undergo because both Ellie and Deven has this awesome dream to do two awesome, but different, things.

Eventually, being the heart throb husband that he is, Deven tells Ellie to take the job in LA, and that he will stay with her. This is the part that got me. Deven looks Ellie in the eyes and says, "It doesn't matter where we go, Honey. As long as I'm with you."

Oh my gosh. If he wasn't married, and was real, and was a Christian, and needed a wife, I would totally pull a Katniss Everdeen.

Because that's so sweet. And isn't that how it is when you're in love? (I think. At least from what I've observed...) You see two people who are crazy about each other and they don't care where they go for a date- as long as they've got the person they love with them. I had a friend tell me recently that she actually liked dating guys who had different interests than her, because then she could tell when they were doing those things just to bless her.

But this scene didn't stick in my head because of the cuteness. In fact, the Holy Spirit must have been just waiting to use it, because we paused the show instantly. While usually these senses make me feel lonely and awkward, instead my brain shot to the most intimate relationship in my life- the one with God.

Because I think that's how it is with Him. It doesn't matter where we go, as long as we're with Him. Being at the college age where people are constantly asking, "So what are your plans?" you find yourself freaking out a little bit. What are my plans? Am I supposed to get married? Pursue a life long career? Travel the world? Become a Baptist nun?

These questions become so frustrating. They lead us to a point where we think every situation is do or die. It kind of puts a lot of pressure on everything. But really, does it matter where we are? As long as we're with the One we love?

Now I'm not saying people who feel God put a specific thing on their heart shouldn't follow it. I don't think God really appreciated Jonah saying no to Him. He wasn't allowed to pull the, "Hmm..Ninevah. Nah, I can be with God away from that place! As long as I'm with Him!" Nope. When God puts a place on your heart, it's best to listen.

But for those of us who haven't heard anything like that yet- why are we worrying? Enjoy the freedom. One thing I have been learning is that Christians are needed everywhere. They are needed in Christian environments to encourage and build up other Christians. They are needed in secular places to reach the lost. They are needed in Africa. They are needed in America. They are needed in churches, schools, bands, basket weaving contests, accounting jobs, construction work, and balloon animal making. It's not what you do, it's Who you do it for.

1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

It doesn't says, IF you are doing mission work in a foreign country. It doesn't say, IF you have a college degree. IF you're married. It says whatever. All bases are covered here. The point isn't to find the right place, the point it to find the right purpose. (Spoiler Alert- it's God. The right purpose is to grow God's Kingdom.)

So, I think spending time with God is the main thing here. It's all about relationship. I want to be able to tell God at the end of the day the same thing Deven told Ellie. "It's doesn't really matter where we go. As long as I'm with you."


A. Diez.

Isaiah 58:11

Confessions of a Teenage Identity Crisis

Today two things happened to compose this blog post. One, I attended The Exile Church++ where my friend Ray was speaking. Two, I went to a graduation party for my sweet cousin and uncle.

Ray gave his testimony, and something he mentioned really stuck with me. He talked about trying to be a people pleaser and said "Because I'd lost my identity in Christ, I was trying to find it in what people thought of me." All I could do was write that down with an arrow pointing next to it saying "me". Because it so was.*

Then, as I was preparing to leave for the grad party, I realized I didn't have a present. (Awkward. Bad cousin award.) Like I usually do as a poor broke college student, I decided to write a heartfelt note. Since it's all about my folly and failures, I feel like sharing it is completely appropriate. So, here's a post that is simply my graduation note to my cousin Madlyn.**

Dear Cousin,

Congratulations on your graduation, Beautiful. Soak in all the cheesy grad cards, pictures poses, and mounds of advice you are about to receive. Everyone is proud of you and excited to bless you.

Being only 11 months older than you, I'm not sure how qualified I am to contribute to the advice stash. But I started thinking about what I'd wish I'd known 11 months ago, so I'm just going to write about that.

Graduation time is hard in a way- everyone starts asking the same question, "What do you want to do?" And to please them you have to drum up some solid answer.

Something I struggled with last year was my identity. First it was politics. Even though government was something that had always interested me, once I saw people associated me with it, I became obsessed. I felt like I had to know who was who in the political world- because that was my thing. It was who I was, so if I wasn't informed I felt like I wasn't doing my thing- I was being a nobody.

Another thing I saw I'd try to put my identity in was style. (clothes, music, room décor, Facebook pictures, all of it.) I'd buy certain sweat shirts to show I was cultural and adventurous. I started drinking green tea (which I actually do really like) because I wanted to be more organic, like my hipster friends. I felt like the more stuff I bought from worldmarket.com, the closer I was to being a bold missionary- my identity could be found in that title, the church people would like it.

I guess the biggest sum up of it all was my yearn to know what people thought of me. I would obsess over my Facebook page, pretending to look at it from someone else's point of view and what they'd think of my profile. I'd ask people what they thought my style was. I'm such a mix, there was never a straight answer of  "preppy", "athletic", "boho" and that drove me crazy. If my friends couldn't put a label on me, who was I?

This past year I've spent wasted money and hours trying to perfect some type of consistent image. And slowly, God has helped free me from this mania. He showed me the reason I was trying to find my identity in what people thought of me was because I'd lost my identity in Christ.+ Instead of seeing myself as His daughter, I tried to fill my void by being the politician, or the missionary, or the girl that wore Tevas, or the girl that loved elephants.

Like, I don't know, obviously God gave us all likes and dislikes and a cool variety of interests. I guess I'd just taken those "interests" and tried to make them who I was.

God created me to be His child, so trying to find my value anywhere else wasn't fulfilling.

I don't want this to be a gloomy letter; just be cautious. I don't think people realize just how confusing that question can be for young adults. It's like they ask, "What are you planning on doing?" as a way to assess our value in the world. You have value because of Christ. Galatians 2:20.

So good luck with today, next year, two months from now, tomorrow, and in an hour. You don't start you life after you reach a certain destination. You start it the minute Christ is in it.

I love you,
Alonnah.

<--This guy gets it.




So that's my dirty embarrassing story of what's been a mess in my head this past year. :) But God is good, the Holy Spirit is a patient teacher, and Jesus has freed me. I hope this encourages everyone, wherever they are at, to answer the question of "What are you doing with your life?" with something along the lines of "Enjoying Christ."

-A. Diez. Former Identitiyholic.




*Ray, instead of texting you I'm just going to put it on here, because I'm sure you'll read this. I think you should write a book about your testimony. I really could see that being an awesome benefit for people who have shared in the similar struggles you have had. Just a thought.

**Madlyn, if you happen upon this blog, I know I told you not to read this out loud in front of the family, and it seems kind of  backwards to now put it online for the world to see, but I felt like this wasn't something everyone would want to hear before cake and ice cream. If that makes any sense. Happy Graduation! Don't sue me.

+Credit: Holy Spirit, through Ray Shular

++The Exile Church meets at 11:00 on Sundays. It's off of Hwy A in Washington, about 15 seconds away from Miller's Grill. It looks like a white barn. You should check it out sometime.

The Struggle is Real, Bro.

Well hello there.

There's really no cute introduction or funny story that ties into an analogy on this one. Sorry. You'll have to use your imagination and pretend I just wrapped up a totally hilarious tale about chasing frogs down a freeway or something.


But my post today is on suffering and trials. This is a subject that's been popping up everywhere lately, ever since June when my friend Kristi gave a lesson on it during the mission trip. I've been hearing wise words about hardships from all around. And sadly, I've been hearing about painful struggles from all around too. It seems like some of the people I love the most are coping with unimaginable pains. When it rains it pours.

Korey Hogan (this time I'm mentioning you for a legit reason..) once said that when God wants to teach us something it seems like He'll tell us multiple times, and it's interesting how many different people from different areas of my life have been talking about this.

So, here is a combobulation of what God has been showing me. Most of it has come from scripture, some of it's from personal time with God where I've screamed prayers up, some from what others have said. Different observations. Take what you need.

• James 1:2. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. "

I spent the entire month of July studying James, and it didn't hit me until a few weeks ago what various trials could mean. I always thought it meant various like "when your parents are going through a divorce OR when you best friend talks behind your back OR when you get kicked out of college"* Various emotional struggles. But then I realized, that struggles could mean any kind. Emotional, physical, AND spiritual.

Spiritual struggles always freak me out. If I am asking God for advice and I hear nothing, I assume I'm doing something wrong. I hate phases of doubt. I feel frustrated if I don't understand something in the Bible and sick if I pray for wisdom and don't receive any direction. Spiritual struggles are my least favorite kind.

But to apply the verse in James to spiritual struggles totally changed my view. "It is good, friends, when you meet spiritual trials. It's a chance for your faith to grow stronger, for you to gain perseverance. But don't get discouraged, no matter how long it takes, because this time of faith building is going to get your spiritual maturity to where it needs to be, so you don't go without faith in an area you're going to need it." (A.Diez Para)

My mom recently told me of some insight one of her brothers had shared with her. It's interesting, because we are told to let perseverance have its full effect, so we don't lack anything. So if you think about it, these trials we are facing- they are preparing us for something big. Something spiritually big. Maybe if God is allowing you to go through a physical, emotional, or spiritual hardship, it is because He has some really cool stuff up in store, that only a faith refined by fire can handle.

• For a while I've felt like I disappoint God when I struggle with things. I feel like He's up in heaven shaking His head like, "That little weakling. Why aren't you stronger!" Which is silly, but it's how I feel. As always, when we feel a way that contradicts scripture, it's a good idea to have a few verses that speak truth against the lie you're believing. Here are some for mine:

Isaiah 66:2 "I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, broken in sprit, and who trembles at My word."

Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."

1 Cor 12:9 "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I've started to realize, wanting to prove to God I'm strong enough, when in actuality I am barley hanging on, is a pride issue. I want to prove I am "worthy" of salvation**, because I can handle various trials without breaking down in front of Him. 1 Peter 5:6-7. Love it.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you."

• Connected with the above bullet, something I've been struggling with for a while is knowing how to talk to God during my sadness without whining to Him. There are all these books and prayer help guides that say to praise God before you ask for anything, don't ask for more than three things at a whack, and then send a thank you note when you're done. (that last one was sarcastic.) But in all seriousness, it's been a huge struggle for me. I used to think of God as my best friend, and somewhere in the midst of my legalism, He became a formal sponsor of my life who I could only share the positive things with.

I talked to the youth pastor at my church*** about how best to approach God with things that are hurting you, while still having a thankful heart for the things you have. He reminded me God is our Father, and dad's love listening to their kids. A genuine relationship with God doesn't come from a certain amount of time dedicated to praying this or that- it comes from talking to God.

Chris did mention that like any relationship, one where you are always simply talking about your problems is not going to be enjoyable for either party. He said sometimes he comes to God without asking for anything, just to praise Him. But it's not a rule book where you force yourself to only spend two minutes pouring your heart out to God when you've got two hours worth of stuff to say. If you did that with your earthly father it would be a surface relationship. And that's not the kind of relationship God wants to have with us.

• So I think this is the last bullet. It once again deals with weakness. Recently, during a rough night, there were only two people I wanted to talk to: God and Courtney Johnson.  Even though she only got one very short, very vague text, she sent this back:
  
  I will be praying a lot for you...Let me know if there's anything at all I can do for you. I don't want satan to get the victory in any way because of this. God is STRONGER!!

Just that little last sentence hit the mark. Totally changed how I viewed everything. It really put in perspective how so many times I feel like I'm defeated and struggling to hang on, when I should really be seeing myself as a victor. I am on the winning team. Even if I am weak, the Bible says in my weakness He is strong, so a weak victor is still a victor. Obviously God wins in the end****, but Satan is the king of lies, and if he can lie to us to make us feel like we're less than victorious, he's going to do that. One verse to wrap this up:

1 John 2:14 "I write to you, fathers, because you know Him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have had victory over the evil one."



A. Diez.

*None of these have happened to me. I have great parents, awesome best friends, and am still chugging along through college. These are hypothetical examples.

 

**How sick and how prideful is that? Probably in the nearby future there will be a blog post about grace. Probably after my friend Michelle finishes that one book and lets me barrow it. ;) (Not like I'm rushing you or anything...)

 

***Chris, you seriously get mentioned in like every other post. This is ridiculous. It's either you or Ray Shular- who probably would have gotten mentioned if he hadn't been traveling around the United States for the past two weeks. (This is me being bitter and harboring jealous envy towards you, Ray. Bring me back a souvenir, like the Declaration of Independence or something. The original.)

 

****Spoiler Alert

 

A Post Dedicated to the Hogans

Happy Fourth of July weekend all! I hope your days were filled with fireworks and apple pie and all things 'Merica. My Independence Day consisted of friends, food, fireworks, and telephone pictionary. My number one favorite game ever. It was a good one.

While I was playing my favorite game, Korey Hogan asked when I would mention him in a blog post. Then, surprise, Jared Hogan said he wanted to be in a post too! Must be a twin thing.

So here I am. Jared and Korey Hogan. Korey Hogan. Jared Hogan. HOGAN. JARED. KOREY.

Anyways, Korey had asked how often I try to write blogs and I couldn't give him a definite answer because I really can only write them when God kindly gives me something to compose. I've tried to come up with posts before, without God showing anything, and they were about as successful as the second Mean Girls movie. Which means not at all.

But today, low and behold, God had to convict Alonnah in yet another area of her life! So guess what? Blog post time.

I've had Baby Mario for over three years now. (my little red Oldsmobile). And I have never, ever, dusted him. And maybe dusting wouldn't have been quite as necessary if last semester I hadn't been running late for class one morning and split Cheerios all over the shifter. Baby M hates Cheerios.

So, because I had some wet wipes left over from the mission trip last week, I decided to have some TLC time with my car. I knew I had about two hours before I needed to start getting ready for dinner at my grandmas, but I also knew I had multiple things I wanted to do in between that time as well.

As I'm wiping away glitter and Cheerio flakes from my cup holder I notice a very familiar person. My sweet, kind, dear old man neighbor. (75% of my neighborhood is elderly people, so I feel like his identity is protected fairly well, regardless of the web posting.) And though he is dear and sweet and kind, I cringed just a bit, and tried hiding my face. Because another adjective to describe this man is talkative.

I'm able to go about five minute before he calls out to me. I try to do the hurried wave as I bee line towards the front door, but he gets me. We chit chat a little bit and then he invites me inside. I tell him thanks for the offer but I really don't have time and hopefully another day we can catch up. He seems a bit bummed out and, after talking to me for a bit longer, heads back into to his garage.

And then I did the smart thing of trying to explain the situation to God.

The conversation went somewhat like this.

Me: "Hi, Lord. That sweet old guy needs someone to talk to. Someone with a lot of time on their hands. For some reason our paths seem to cross a decent amount. But I really am not the Christian for this job. I'm too busy. You might want to get someone else on that."

God: "Hi, Alonnah. I'm getting Deja Voo. I remember Moses saying something super similar to that- him thinking he wasn't cut out for the job I gave him? I'm not dumb and I have placed the perfect combination of which Christian I want to serve which person in which way. You are not too busy for this man, or I would not have lead you to him."

Then, tonight during Bible time, I was reading 1Thessalonians and this little number popped out:

1 Thes 2:4

"Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please men, but rather God, who examines our hearts."

So many times I think that I'm not well enough prepared, or not the right person to be sharing the gospel with so and so. But this verse is like the Sharing Gospel Diploma. God approved you to share it- He gave you the A-Okay.

Going back to the busy thing, there are just a few things I want to say. About a year ago I was taking on quite the amount of Jesus tasks. And it got to the point where people would tell me I needed to watch out or that I was putting too much on myself. I began hesitating, and thinking that if people were noticing I was doing a lot for God that I must be at Jesus par and I could hold back a little. And then, I felt like God was saying,

"Alonnah. You are my creation, not theirs. I will decide what is and isn't too much for you."

It just stopped me cold. Because really, only my Creator knows my potential. He knows if I am or am not giving it my all.

So that was a year ago. And I did take on many more endeavors. However, recently, with it being Fourth of July weekend, and wanting to have time with friends and family and friends again and just desiring good Christian fellowship along with multiple Jesus tasks, I've gotten to the point where I think the last time I really studied the Bible was last week. I felt God remind me of last year, and then He whispered,

"Hey. Remember when I said you can take on more? Well, it's time you take on a little less."

Sometimes I get so silly and think that God just doesn't understand. But then it's like, not only is He my Father- He is my Creator. And He knows exactly what He created me for. So why am I so squirmy about doing things He's placed in my life? Or, on the flip side, why do I get so anxious to do things He hasn't called me to at this point?



I'll end with this beautiful verse from Isaiah 43. Verses 1-3.

"This is what the Lord says- the one who created you and formed you: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.' "

Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water.

A. Diez.

Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

Hi. My bedtime was 10:30. Guess what time I begin this post? 11:31.

But it's totally not my fault. I'm blaming this one on God.

This entire day I've spent packing for Dauphin Island. (We leave Saturday for the mission trip- if anyone wants to shoot up some prayers.) I realized, after I'd finished my laundry, my chai tea, and my nightly Facebook stalking, that I'd packed my Bible in my duffle bag already. Because it took me three different tries to get everything to fit AND I had to literally stand on top of the bag to zip it shut, I decided to leave my Bible right where it was and go find an old one to use.

I've been reading in 1 Corinthians lately, and a little in Jeremiah too. But since I didn't have my bookmark I just flipped to John and skimmed over some highlights. John 15 was a pretty great chapter for starting a mission trip, and I was digging 14:26, because recently I've been super stressed lately.

Stressed about what Alonnah?

Well, I am so glad you asked.

I never used to be a perfectionist. In fact, when my orthodontist told me I got to keep my braces for an extra 6 months, because he wanted them "good as gold", I firmly decided I wanted to be an un-perfectionist. However, over the years, I have somehow gravitated to the idea that I must be perfect in everything.

So, like I said, I've been reading 1 Corinthians. And particularly the part about head coverings. And when I read that I started to flip out, like "Why do I not wear a head covering? Am I supposed to be wearing a head covering? Or does my hair count? Or was it cultural? Do I wait until I get married to wear a head covering? Or do single girls wear them too? I should just not get married so I don't have to wear one." I've done lots of research, and I've learned a ton, and I think I have for once and for all decided that no, I do not need to wear one. However, I keep coming back to it. Every time I read 1 Cor, I feel condemned. Like I am dumb for not being able to figure out what the perfect and correct answer to all of this is.

And then there's been this thing where I've been concerned with idolatry. No, I haven't been secretly bowing down to a little statue of Buddha in my spare time, but I have heard how idolatry can be in the form of putting something or someone else before God. And I am like "Whoa. Can't do that now can I?" So I've been asking pretty much any wise person who will listen how to keep something from being an idol. And so I've re-evaluated my entire life and gone "Is this or is this not an idol? IS IT OR IS IT NOT?" So much to the point where I've probably made WORRYING about an idol, idolatry.

Finally, the latest worry, modesty. Last night I was doing research and ran across a video of Christian guys talking about what did and did not seem modest to them. And I was shocked. Clothes that I wore TO BE MODEST weren't appropriate by their standards. So what did I do? Well, to my friend Ray's delight, I called him and made him watch the video (at 12:32 am) and then had him tell me his thoughts. (According to Ray my closet is modest and I have nothing to worry about.) However, I went to bed feeling like I was a bad Christian girl and I should switch all my outfits to sweatpants and T-Shirts.

So tonight when I read John 14:26 "But the Holy Spirit, who the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have said to you." I was like "YESSS. God that is totally what I need." Because I've been so confused as to if what I am doing is right or if what I am doing is wrong.

Because God is cool and I'm weird, I felt prompted to read backwards a little bit, and started John 13- Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Read this:

"No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."  "Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"  Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean...(John 13:8-10)

The story of Jesus washing the feet is a beautiful example of truly serving others- and I think that's the point Jesus was trying to make. However, thanks to the Holy Spirit, who the Father sent to me, teaching me all things, I was shown a different analogy with all of this.

I was being like Peter.

Sin has made us dirty. Just by walking around in the world we can't avoid it. Laziness, lust, pride, worry, selfishness, addictions- it's everywhere and we're all guilty. So- before we ask Jesus to come into our life and save us- we are dirty. And so many times when we hear about Jesus, we're like "No! You can't clean me up! I'm way too gross and you are way too perfect. It won't work. You'll never wash my feet!"
 But, because He loves us so intensely, when we repent and ask Jesus to be the propitiation for our sin, He does it, because He wants us to be with Him forever. (1 John 4:9-10, one of my favorite verses about salvation).

I've known this. My entire life I've been taught that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me (Romans 5:8) and because of this, my sins are no more. All the gross stuff I did, am doing, and will do in the future are taken care of because Jesus's paid that debt. This is not new to me anymore.

However, while I was reading the second part of that passage in John, the Holy Spirit was like "ALONNAHHH!"

"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

I love how jung hu Peter is about this whole washing thing. He's like, "Yeah buddy! Do or die! Let's take this to level 10. YOLO! Except..wait, no, now I get to live twice! Oh my gosh, Jesus wash my head!"

Just this attitude alone is totally me. I get so into things, it's like if you are going to do it you might as well do it 100% right? I feel like if Simon Peter and I were on a team together, we would totally win most spirited. (Not spiritual, spirited. Like the rah rah sis boom bah).

But then it was like, I did a double take and the Holy Spirit showed me I had more in common with Peter than just enthusiasm. It's like the past several months I've been focusing on all the things I'm probably doing wrong and stressing myself out about needing to fix this or that.

And Jesus is like "You are already clean...?"

There have been times when I feel convicted and it is the best thing in the world for me. Though conviction is uncomfortable, it is always good, and has benefitted my relationship with Christ on so many levels. However, in situations where I am stressing that I may be doing something wrong, to the point where I can't even think about God because I am making myself feel too condemned, it's like I am trying to be a perfectionist again. I'm not trusting the Holy Spirit to show me what needs fixing, to teach me when I need it. Instead I have been frantically judging myself every chance I get.

In this post I am not saying to stop evaluating the fruit you are bearing. You do not have to clean yourself up to come to Jesus, however having Him in your life WILL clean you up. So, it's always good to do a double take and make sure you are actually walking with Him. However, walking with Him is more than just obeying Him. It's spending time with Him, letting Him love on you and just enjoying His wonders. If you are like me, and spend all of your time worrying if you are doing it right or not, you aren't even doing what you were created and saved to do- which is have a relationship with Him.
Sometimes we get so legalistic.

Time to share one of my new favorite verses: "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye on you." -Psalm 32:8

God isn't up in Heaven going "Oh my gosh that idiot Alonnah! She can't figure out if her clothes are modest and she doesn't know if that's an idol for her and she sure as heck is too stupid to understand what the heck a head covering is really supposed to signify! She's just too dumb for Me to explain things too!"
Nah. Even my dumbness isn't strong enough to keep God from teaching me. And He's got His eye on me, so if I start to do something that's off, He can re-direct me. Thank goodness.

Now that it's 12:37, and my bedtime was TWO hours ago, I think it is time I hit the hay. I have a date with some tennis shoes at 6:00 tomorrow morning, and it only gets better from there.
Thanks for reading.
Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water. Trust He'll show you.
A. Diez