"It's so hard as a Christian to not get caught in the world of debate. You want to prove just how right you are. But it's almost impossible to show Christ's love when you see the other person as someone to annihilate in conversation. Britt Nicole really hits the nail on the head with witnessing: "When we tell our stories, people listen and let their guard down and listen. They can’t argue with us, because that’s our story."
And it's so true. People can argue science back and forth, but you can't argue how someone's life has been dramatically changed. #I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need."
I listened to Britt Nicole's song "All This Time" about seven or eight times after that. For those of you who haven't heard it before: http://youtu.be/DP4Kl0Cfywc
And if you haven't read her story behind it, google that too.
I'm so trying not to idolize her right now, because she just has a really cool relationship with God. And she's got a cool story too. One she put into a beautiful song that has inspired and spread to people everywhere.
Since then, I've been plagued with trying to think of "my story". How my relationship with God began, and why I've really changed because of it. This isn't a devotional blog post. This is just my life. And I think it's something that might be a good thing for all Christians to write out. Their personal story. So we know how to explain it when people ask. So we can reflect and remind ourselves of how we got to this point.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
Though I haven't always been in love with Jesus, I have known about Him my entire life. My parents were very diligent since day one to teach me about Him, to answer my questions, and to simply remind me of how much God loved me, and how through the Bible He showed it.
However, it took me forever to get baptized.
By the time I reached the age of 6, I started asking all those questions little kids get about God. "Who made God?" "How do you KNOW the Bible is real?" "What if I'm wrong?" It really scared me. Because I always knew I wanted God to be real, I just wanted to know that I knew the truth.
"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." -Proverbs 25:2
My poor parents. They spent evening after evening for probably about two or three years, trying to explain faith to me. But that's never something you can do for a person. No matter how much you love them. I know I spent a lot of time with my uncles who were really into apologetics, and they helped some too. Slowly, very slowly, my doubt questions became questions like "How else would the world get here?" "How do you explain all the miracles that go on with missionaries today?" "Why else would a man named Jesus die, if it wasn't for my sins?"
I think around age 9 I firmed up a little in my faith. But I still waited it out to get baptized. I was so scared God would punish me if I said I was a believer, but still doubted in my heart. Like I said, I wanted to know that I knew.
Finally, at age 12, I was baptized. I couldn't tell you the night I accepted Christ into my life. I honestly don't remember. Because I would keep getting scared that I hadn't meant it the first time, so I would do it over and over and over again. Just to make sure.
Looking back, I'm more thankful than ever that 12 was when I started becoming a little stronger in faith. I know you need God in every area of your life, but I feel like being a 12 year old girl, life just comes at you really fast. You kind of feel everything at once. I'm really glad I met my best friend before Middle School.
And that's who God became to me. My best friend. Middle School years were rough. They always are. I had acne. I'd skip school because of insecurities. My friends would get attention for being "troubled" that I thought of cutting my wrists to merely get heard. I fought with my parents, a lot. I hated being around my sister. I got my first "boyfriend". I had a close friend die.
So if there was a time to need God. This was it.
"The Lord is upright; he is my Rock," Psalm 92:15
I wish I could bottle it up and pour it on people, the feeling of comfort God gave me. Here I was, this really awkward, really confused, really lonely 12 year old girl. And here He was, the God of the universe sitting there listening to all my insignificant problems of how I couldn't remember the differences between the x and y axis, or what I was going to wear tomorrow because all three of my Hollister shirts were dirty. Most of it was really petty stuff. But He waited patiently, understanding I was still a baby Christian.
Most of our bonding happened at night. With God and I. It would be when all the friends, homework, boyfriend, parents, and sports were silent. When there was nothing else going on. My parents had the awesome idea of an early bedtime, and being a new teen I could never sleep. So I had lots of time to talk with God.
"It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke when he is young. Let him sit alone in silence." -Lamentations 3:26-28
I feel so lame, but my first "break-up" was probably growing point number one for me. It was my freshman year in High School. Let me just say, I was really into this guy. Like to where I threw my friends and social life and family life and everything else out of the door. So, once he dumped me I didn't know what to do. Because my friends had all gotten new friends. My parents hadn't liked the fact I'd decided to start "dating" so young anyways, so my pride kept me from them. I remember sitting on my floor in my room crying, because I felt like I didn't have anyone at all. I felt annoying to everyone I talked to, and that I really didn't like my life much at the moment. I think that's when I started really getting into church more. Someone's going to spend an hour telling me there's a God out there who actually loves me and wants to listen? That was exactly what I needed.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3
I think that's what made me learn real fast, that God is the only thing that lasts. So that was the only thing I felt safe putting my happiness into.
Right around that time, I also received a letter from a family member I always highly admired. It was two pages long, on yellow notebook paper. Blue ink. He instructed me to be extremely careful entering High School, and how to take a Christian approach to it. I remember I was told three things: One, don't cuss. It makes you like everyone else, and really shows your weak mind to others. Two, reach out to the socially odd. It's radical and people notice. And it means to world to those you touch. Three, don't trust everything your instructors say. Trust Jesus.
He'll never begin to understand how much those two pages of yellow notebook paper changed me. But not then. I stuck the letter somewhere in my room, to be found months later.
Summer time after Freshman year. I guess God knew I was a little guy crazy, because he used a cute boy's Facebook page to get me into the Word. There was this guy that visited our youth group, who posted a Bible verse from James in his About Me. I decided to look it up. And then I decided to read James. I will never forget that as being the first book I ever experienced. It was like I'd been completely drenched in mud from top to bottom, but hadn't noticed it until someone handed me a mirror. I decided I needed to read more of this Bible. Up until then it had only been something mom made me read before I could get on the computer. In one ear out the other. But that random summer day, I realized I was missing a lot.
"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." -James 1:22
It was around that time I found the letter again. I think God strategically designed for me to go through a year of high school before I actually took the words to heart. Because I had started cussing (yup, just to be "cool".), I hadn't really reached out to anybody, and I certainly wasn't studying a whole lot of Jesus, besides those Sunday morning and Wednesday nights. I'm pretty sure I cried after reading it the second time. And the third. And the fourth. I read it over and over until I pretty much had the entire thing memorized. And I decided I really needed to step up with being a Christian.
"My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek" -Psalm 28:8
The end of Sophomore year, everything was perfect. I was super duper close with God. I was praying for stuff and it was happening. It was like the Christian "dream". And then, Satan hit.
I know I've written about this before, so I'll try to keep it short.
Bascially, to sum it up, a lot of my friends changed. They got really into alcohol. And sex. And the lack of caring for God whatsoever.* Some of them didn't even believe in God anymore. And it was so hard, because I'd gone with them to Conferences, seen them get "pumped up", and then watch them crumble before my very eyes.
These were my Christian friends. The ones that were supposed to be sticking up for Jesus with me. I just remember being so mad at them for giving into petty things, for becoming the people we'd promised eachother we wouldn't. I was mad at them for dropping out of the race.
And my doubts started coming.
I hate science. More than just about anything in the world, I hate science. But I went through websites and books and questions until I found answers I was looking for. I searched and searched, because again, I wanted to know that I knew God was real.
I remember one right, just laying in bed thinking, "Okay Alonnah. Pretend God isn't real. What's life feel like?"
I wish I had words for this too. Those few minutes where I sat there, picturing life without God, where the most empty minutes I have ever experienced in my life. I remember answering myself "What's the point then? Of life?"
Needless to say, I found confirmation in my faith.
"You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
One night, a week before junior year, He completely stole my heart. I was driving home late at night, right after hard break-up number two. (My boyfriend told me he didn't believe in God anymore, and we decided to stop seeing each other. It was really hard because it was like losing someone in two ways. One as a boyfriend, but the other as a brother in Christ. To explain it best, it felt like he'd died.)
Anyways, here I am driving down this road with music playing and tears rolling, just streaming down my face. It's a summer night so the windows are rolled down and I can hear all the night crickets singing their song, feel the wind hit my face. I'm screaming at God. Not because I'm mad. But because I have no other reaction. I could barely breathe. I really shouldn't have been driving. And the song "Everything Good" comes on. First line in that song
"You are oxygen on a late night drive to clear my head when hope has passed me by." Well, that's exactly what I needed.
God and I spent about an hour in a parking lot together. I cried. He just reminded me He was there.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 28:14
God's just been the perfect gentleman my whole life. He never forced Himself on me, he really truly took time to get to know me. From my awkward adolescent age, to where I am now (still pretty awkward), and He's just...been there.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you." -Jeremiah 1:5
I guess I could write a lot about how He opened up crazy career opportunities that shouldn't have happened, awesome witnessing chances that resulted in people getting saved, and all the other God things that He does. But now we're getting to the present. And you guys know all of that.
This was really just a reflect time with God. A time for me to look back into my Jesus diary and see all the ways He's just swept me off my feet. I love Jesus. I really, really do.
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Matthew 28:20
A. Diez.
*This was not all of my friends. Actually God super blessed me after that by bringing me even closer to some really, really cool Christians. Emily and Christina, and of course, my track girls. Shout out to you guys. You rock!
