Remember how last time I wrote a post about being genuine with people? Letting them know about our struggles? Living without pretense?
Well, here I go.
About two weeks ago, right before the end of the year hit, I went up with a group of really awesome, really Jesus-following Christian friends to Kansas City for a conference. It was the first time I'd attended a mega conference since my sophomore year of high school, so it'd been a while. In all honesty, I'm not a big fan of conferences in general, but Francis Chan was going to be there, so I made an exception.*
At first, I loved it. The conference had about 25,000 other believers walking around. You would see people worshiping with all the energy they had, groups talking about God together, people pouring their hearts out to their Father in prayer. It reminded me of a glimpse of what Heaven was going to be like. So, neat stuff.
But around the second or third night something really off happened. Not with the conference, not with the group I was with, not even with our sketchy hotel room. But as I was worshiping I felt this clobber of doubt. I didn't know why, or even exactly what I was doubting, but I was overcome with fear and thoughts that everything I'd been believing was a lie, that Jesus wasn't actually taking me to Heaven, and that I was misinterpreting all of it. I just wasn't feeling that certainty of what I'd known before.
I began feeling very anxious. I couldn't have doubt, Jesus was my entire life, I had no purpose besides Him. And what were people going to think of me if they knew that I was a doubter? I literally dreaded the idea that my friends were going to have to start witnessing to me- Alonnah the heathen.
My name is Alonnah. And I'm a Doubting Thomas.
However, the feeling of doubt was giving me so much turmoil it spilled out. The first night I think I only told one of the girls in our group, and just asked her for prayer. Then the next couple days I told a few others. I have to say they all handled it beautifully. No one looked at me as though Satan had possessed my body. No one turned really panicky and started yelling scripture into my head. They simply prayed with me, asked if I had questions, and I was given some verses to look up.
Something interesting that I noticed was that this time was different from the previous encounter I'd had with uncertainty, ironically right after the last conference I'd gone to. The last time I had kept it very private, being embarrassed around my church friends to not be experiencing the same type of faith they had. I was lazy and kept subconsciously hoping that if I waited long enough maybe my doubts would just go away. <- Not a good way to tackle confusion.
However this time I was so frustrated by my uneasiness that I decided to attack whatever I was unsure of, starting in The Gospel of Luke. I knew Jesus was a real person, that much had been made obvious by history. But I wanted to look at who He said that He was, that salvation was what I thought it was, and not just what I'd been hearing other people say about Christianity my entire life.
I don't know if I've ever done more Biblical research in my life. I felt drained after constant prayer and fasting and late nights and weird people on Google. But I learned interesting stuff about Jesus's genealogy and different things concerning conversations Christ had. My Bible became littered with little notes all over it.
I eventually found a really great message by Greg Laurie. Here's the vid if anyone's interested:
One thing Greg said that stuck with me was this: Doubt is not the opposite of faith, it's an element of faith.
That's so true. Without doubt, we wouldn't have faith. Through this entire process I've realized that doubt can do one of two things- it can bring us intensely closer to God or it can drive us away from Him. But the outcome of that is entirely up to us. Like I said, I probably spent more time with God while I was doubting than I ever have before. I was in worship and prayer just begging for answers. When situations came up where I was tempted I had to decide to still act like Christ instructed me, even though I was struggling with leeriness.
So that's how we can get closer.
But I think, especially for high school and college students, when we start to see doubt it is so easy to start pulling away from the One with the answers.Because when you doubt, sometimes you are just numb, especially if it is emotional doubt. And as Misty Edwards said at the conference, we aren't created to live numb- we as humans hate it. We're created in the image of an All Consuming God, so we hate not feeling anything or being without answers. And that is why sin is so enticing. Because sin is such a quick and easy way to feel something. And that's why during times of doubt so many people decide to throw in the towel.
Trying to learn and study answers is a long and grueling process- it's work. As one of my friends pointed out, spiritual warfare is called warfare for a reason. It's a battle.
Hebrews 11:6 says without faith it's impossible to please God. But I was shocked when I read what came right after that- it says God rewards those who seek Him.
To spend your time looking for answers, and having enough faith to still live your life for Him while you are searching.
Laurie points out in his message that doubt and unbelief aren't the same thing. He said that when a doubter is presented with evidence they become a believer. When a nonbeliever is presented with evidence they decide to reject it.
I just wanted to write this post to encourage anyone struggling with doubt. The most important things I've learned are
- Just because you are doubting doesn't mean to stop following God. That's how you start falling away.
- Doubt is a really, really common thing in the Bible. Gary R. Habermas says, "...doubt is not always a sin. Neither is it necessarily the opposite of faith nor the product of weak faith. It is experienced by many believers in Scripture, such as Abraham, Job, David, Jeremiah, and John the Baptist. And almost all believers, as well as unbelievers, experience doubt at times. As strange as it seems, doubt can produce positive results, and many doubters are very much in love with the Lord."
- It is such a battle. If you want to win you have to be willing to do the work and research and prayer that goes along with it. But asking other, strong, Christians to help you is a great way to make that battle a little more bearable.
I want to end with a cute little story. While I was at the conference, one of my friends came up to me and felt like he needed to just talk to me about the armor of God, mentioned in Ephesians 6. He said he thought I specifically needed to focus on the shield of faith, "In every situation take the shield of faith, and with it you will be able to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one." v. 16.
In every situation. That means even in situations when I doubt.
Anyways, for those of you who don't know, Captain America is my favorite superhero. MY FAVORITE. One of my friends on campus actually calls me Captain America. I'm not sure if she knows my real name yet or not.
Right after the conversation about using the shield of faith I had to head off somewhere. The friend I was talking to said that as soon as I left, this guy stood up. On the back of his shirt was the shield from Captain America, which is like the main way Steve Rogers stays alive. I don't know, maybe it just seemed cool to me, but God is so stinking personal sometimes. He knows us so intimately. And He understands when we have doubts and need help coping with them.
Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water. Seek and you will find.
A. Diez.
*This is not me trying to worship Francis Chan. This is me, however, endorsing his books and messages which have, through the Holy Spirit, brought intense conviction and change to my life.
