Chapter
1
I am so sorry.
Is that an okay way to start a book? I've thought about the different words I could use to grab your attention or snag your interest. I know there are probably better first sentence starters, but I also understand that sometimes when you are in pain those cute and overused phrases aren't all that entertaining or appreciated. And I know many of you are in pain because break-ups hurt. They suck.
So I'll say it again, I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry you are going through this.
Sometimes people make us feel like being hurt over a guy is a wimpy thing. With so many struggles going on in the world having some boy not like you anymore should be the least of your worries, right? You're embarrassed when people ask what you'd like prayer for- because you know there are those out there with far more severe requests. But just like God sees all sinners as needing a Savior, I think He sees all those in pain as needing a Comforter. Try to forget what married people always say about "time healing everything" and "you'll be thankful it didn't work out someday." It is fine to feel sad. Own up to the fact that you really cared about that relationship.
I think we as girls go too far in either one direction or the other. There is no middle ground. It seems like if we want people to know we are hurting we post 4 Facebook statuses, 10 tweets, and who knows how many depressing Pinterest quotes. We talk about it any chance we get, let our mascara stay on our cheeks after a good cry, and keep a woebegone look on our face to make sure everyone knows we are in a rough spot. That seems to be one tactic for the overdramatic. And I do speak from experience.
So it seems like we either do that or we swing in the opposite direction. We go blank. No one is allowed to know about our suffering- we're too strong for that. We use sarcasm, humor, fake giggles, and filters to mask the fact that we didn't get what we were hoping for.
We don't need to down play it, but we don't need to up play it either. What we need to do is realize that we are feeling pain and that is okay. In fact, it's kind of expected. It is rumored that Williams Shakespeare once said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." So if you were hoping for the relationship to last and it didn't, heartache makes a little bit of sense.
It's not cliché, unless you think being an actual human being with feelings is cliché. It's not wimpy. It's not shameful. You are allowed to be hurting.
Is that an okay way to start a book? I've thought about the different words I could use to grab your attention or snag your interest. I know there are probably better first sentence starters, but I also understand that sometimes when you are in pain those cute and overused phrases aren't all that entertaining or appreciated. And I know many of you are in pain because break-ups hurt. They suck.
So I'll say it again, I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry you are going through this.
Sometimes people make us feel like being hurt over a guy is a wimpy thing. With so many struggles going on in the world having some boy not like you anymore should be the least of your worries, right? You're embarrassed when people ask what you'd like prayer for- because you know there are those out there with far more severe requests. But just like God sees all sinners as needing a Savior, I think He sees all those in pain as needing a Comforter. Try to forget what married people always say about "time healing everything" and "you'll be thankful it didn't work out someday." It is fine to feel sad. Own up to the fact that you really cared about that relationship.
I think we as girls go too far in either one direction or the other. There is no middle ground. It seems like if we want people to know we are hurting we post 4 Facebook statuses, 10 tweets, and who knows how many depressing Pinterest quotes. We talk about it any chance we get, let our mascara stay on our cheeks after a good cry, and keep a woebegone look on our face to make sure everyone knows we are in a rough spot. That seems to be one tactic for the overdramatic. And I do speak from experience.
So it seems like we either do that or we swing in the opposite direction. We go blank. No one is allowed to know about our suffering- we're too strong for that. We use sarcasm, humor, fake giggles, and filters to mask the fact that we didn't get what we were hoping for.
We don't need to down play it, but we don't need to up play it either. What we need to do is realize that we are feeling pain and that is okay. In fact, it's kind of expected. It is rumored that Williams Shakespeare once said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." So if you were hoping for the relationship to last and it didn't, heartache makes a little bit of sense.
It's not cliché, unless you think being an actual human being with feelings is cliché. It's not wimpy. It's not shameful. You are allowed to be hurting.
The Profile of a Sufferer
I think another lie society has pumped into our veins is the reason on why we suffer. So often we think to ourselves, "If I had only been smarter. If I could have seen it coming." That is ridiculous. Being smart doesn't keep you from pain. Jesus saw His crucifixion coming- and He sure suffered during that.
Maybe you're thinking, "No, I just really am stupid. He said this and I believed him. He said that and I took it to heart." You know what? You took someone at their word. That is not your fault.
Sometimes we think we're suffering because of sin. Or because God is mad at us. While sin does lead to suffering, that is certainly not where all suffering comes from. Sometimes it's from outside sources. Like when Joseph was sold into slavery. It wasn't because he had done anything sinful, it was because his brothers were jealous of him. Or when David was being pursued by Saul, who was trying to kill him. It wasn't because David had done anything wrong- all David had been doing was obeying God. But he had to go through suffering because of Saul's actions. Grief comes from a multitude of reasons. Some we can pinpoint and others we cannot. It is nice to think back and see why we had to endure certain things, to remember previous pain and say, "That's why that happened!" But we aren't always guaranteed an answer to every time we have to go through things that hurt us. There are a lot of times our trials leave us confused. There is no black and white answer on the causes and purposes of hardships. Really, the only thing we know about trials is that God is able to use them. No matter what they are.
I went through this period of time when I thought the reason bad things were happening to me was because I wasn't following God diligently enough. I had figured that since God was so protective and powerful if I stayed close enough to Him I couldn't get hurt. So when life seemed to be out to get me I felt like it was my fault for not spending more time with God. Or because I hadn't been a faithful enough Christian. I thought that I was doing something sinful and receiving my punishment.
Oh, Alonnah. You were so wrong.
In John 16:33 Jesus tells us that in this world we will have trials. In James 1:2 we're told to see trials as an opportunity to grow us. These are things written to Christians. Not specifically to dumb Christians or smart Christians, not addressed only to weak Christians or strong ones. Just Christians in general. No one gets a pass on this. James doesn't say, "If you are dumb and fall into a trial..." He says "when". Because it's going to happen and it's going to happen to everyone.
But we want to pretend that we are different. Maybe it's because Hollywood glorifies the "unbreakable" girl. The one who isn't hurt by anyone. She walks around with a tough exterior, not caring who or what walks out of her life. And sometimes we desire to be like that. But the only problem with the "unbreakable" girl is that usually to become unbreakable you have to keep yourself from ever being genuine with others. C.S. Lewis explains it in this quote:
I think another lie society has pumped into our veins is the reason on why we suffer. So often we think to ourselves, "If I had only been smarter. If I could have seen it coming." That is ridiculous. Being smart doesn't keep you from pain. Jesus saw His crucifixion coming- and He sure suffered during that.
Maybe you're thinking, "No, I just really am stupid. He said this and I believed him. He said that and I took it to heart." You know what? You took someone at their word. That is not your fault.
Sometimes we think we're suffering because of sin. Or because God is mad at us. While sin does lead to suffering, that is certainly not where all suffering comes from. Sometimes it's from outside sources. Like when Joseph was sold into slavery. It wasn't because he had done anything sinful, it was because his brothers were jealous of him. Or when David was being pursued by Saul, who was trying to kill him. It wasn't because David had done anything wrong- all David had been doing was obeying God. But he had to go through suffering because of Saul's actions. Grief comes from a multitude of reasons. Some we can pinpoint and others we cannot. It is nice to think back and see why we had to endure certain things, to remember previous pain and say, "That's why that happened!" But we aren't always guaranteed an answer to every time we have to go through things that hurt us. There are a lot of times our trials leave us confused. There is no black and white answer on the causes and purposes of hardships. Really, the only thing we know about trials is that God is able to use them. No matter what they are.
I went through this period of time when I thought the reason bad things were happening to me was because I wasn't following God diligently enough. I had figured that since God was so protective and powerful if I stayed close enough to Him I couldn't get hurt. So when life seemed to be out to get me I felt like it was my fault for not spending more time with God. Or because I hadn't been a faithful enough Christian. I thought that I was doing something sinful and receiving my punishment.
Oh, Alonnah. You were so wrong.
In John 16:33 Jesus tells us that in this world we will have trials. In James 1:2 we're told to see trials as an opportunity to grow us. These are things written to Christians. Not specifically to dumb Christians or smart Christians, not addressed only to weak Christians or strong ones. Just Christians in general. No one gets a pass on this. James doesn't say, "If you are dumb and fall into a trial..." He says "when". Because it's going to happen and it's going to happen to everyone.
But we want to pretend that we are different. Maybe it's because Hollywood glorifies the "unbreakable" girl. The one who isn't hurt by anyone. She walks around with a tough exterior, not caring who or what walks out of her life. And sometimes we desire to be like that. But the only problem with the "unbreakable" girl is that usually to become unbreakable you have to keep yourself from ever being genuine with others. C.S. Lewis explains it in this quote:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love
anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make
sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap
it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.
Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that
casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken;
it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be
vulnerable."
So if we start pegging ourselves as, "I don't care about him.
I don't give a crap that it's over," what we are really doing is trying to
train ourselves to become unbreakable- training ourselves to not love those
around us.
Be real with yourself. You are allowed to feel pain. You are allowed to need comfort. If you didn't, God would not call Himself Comforter. But He does, and He does it because He knows "Comforter" is something we need in this painful, broken world.
Be real with yourself. You are allowed to feel pain. You are allowed to need comfort. If you didn't, God would not call Himself Comforter. But He does, and He does it because He knows "Comforter" is something we need in this painful, broken world.
