When God doesn't want to talk to you.

It's over.

Thank goodness it's all over.

My classes have ended and the Christmas season is complete. Meaning, work hours have been cut. And for me this is a good thing.

All I have done today is a little God time, ran a few miles, and stalked people on Facebook. No mandatory studying. No make-up.

It has been a very, very good day.

And thanks to the free time, while I probably should be working on my book, I've decided to compose a little of what God's been having to teach me these past threeish months:

What to do when God's silent.

I don't know when it officially started, but I've been kind of sucking with one on one time with God. When I make time for it, I'm about 90% distracted. And the 10% of the time when I'm not distracted, I feel like I'm not getting anything.

Like I'll read the Bible, but it's stuff I've heard before. And it's good to be reminded, but I crave something new and exciting. Something convicting and powerful. And I ask the Holy Spirit to open my eyes to whatever's not clicking, but a lot of times I get zilch.

And because I felt like I couldn't get what God was trying to say, it made time with Him a little less desirable.

A few months back I was finishing up a really, really good run. It was perfect temperature, I'd made great time, and I'd even seen a deer along the route, which was cool. As I was standing by my car thanking God for such a nice moment, I tried to figure out if He was telling me something. Because I wanted to hear from Him. Anything. Was the run an analogy for blessings I wasn't paying attention to? Did the deer represent something important? I asked God a couple of times what He was trying to tell me, and just kept coming up with some pretty ridiculous ideas that were obviously from my own imagination and not the Lord Almighty. Finally, I got something that was from God:

"Let me talk when I want to talk."

Oh, dang. Okay, God.

It became very clear that while I was yearning for Him to speak, if God didn't want to say anything, that was His prerogative. He was God. Me putting words in His mouth because I wanted to hear something was stupid. God is God and He doesn't need help from me. If He wants to make something obvious- He is very able to do that.

And because God is good, even when things aren't clear, it's okay.

Even when it feels like no answers are coming, and no hevy revys are on their way, it's okay.

In Job 38:2, God asks Job, "Who is putting these words in My mouth with no idea what they are talking about?"


I think we do need to be ready to listen, by setting aside quiet time with Him and reading His Word. But I've also learned that really it's foolish to become angry with God (and ourselves) when we feel like He's not speaking to us. If God wanted to He would. If we are being obedient to Him, and we don't hear anything, it's because He's not talking. Why? I don't know. But He's God and He's got reasons. And they're good ones.


This next part goes out to writer friends. Or leaders. Or Speakers. Or whoever. Basically if you in some way talk about God to other people. (Which, this actually should be all Christians.)

Anyways, because I've been working on a book, I've started to realized that apparently you have to do all these things to get it published. Like build a platform. Which is incredibly frustrating to me, seeing as I don't want to be an author my entire life, I have one book I want to do, and do not have what you would call a "platform". I just want to publish. Like now. But in writer's world that's not how it works. You have to win contests and have fans. Have ideas for books to write after you publish your present one. Before you get published. What kind of nonsense is this? I have one book I want to do. One.

So I started freaking out. Majorly. I literally had to fast from working on my book because I could tell it was morphing into an idol. The thing that got me the most was the platform issue. Knowing that while my book was complete, I still needed more things to compose, to get "my name" out there.

I started asking God to show me things to write. Every little thing I would see I would try to relate it to God. Which you think would be a good thing, but it wasn't. Because it was for building my own kingdom. My platform. My crap.

I decided if I was going to get something good from God, something people could really sink their teeth into, I needed to "sacrifice" and get alone with God. I sat on my back porch and once again started asking questions.

I asked. And again, no answers. Questions, questions, questions. Silence. What the heck God? Here I was, neglecting my homework, ignoring my messy room for Him, and He wasn't showing me a darned thing.

Finally, I felt like I got something.

"Alonnah, I feel like you are interviewing me."

I froze. And then I think I cried. The realization that I was using God as a subject to interview, rather than a Father I was building a relationship with crushed me. It was so accurate. It's why I have waited months to write about it- because I didn't want God to think I was using that moment as another way to exploit His Spirit. I'm still uneasy writing about it.

I've learned to remind myself that there is no urgency for me to share what I have learned and who I am. God can talk to people directly. He can and has used animals to do it. If we don't worship Him, rocks will. Someone is going to worship and praise God. He is not limited to Alonnah Diez.
What there is an urgency for is for me to be obedient to my first love. To talk when He wants me to. And to shut up when He wants me to, in order to further our relationship.

I'm excited for my book. Really, really pumped, even though I'm not totally sure what path of publishing it's going to take. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just leak it on to the internet. We'll see. It depends on God. He wrote it anyway.

One very last thing on this subject of God being silent and us worrying- I was cleaning my room for company to come over when I came across the book, "Nice Girls Don't Change the World." Jessica Kent let me borrow it like two years ago. (If you ever let me borrow a book, don't expect it back within a year. I am a slow, slow reader.) Anyways, I opened it up and read the first chapter. It rocked.

The lady talked about how her entire life she tried to serve God to please Him. And it would drive her crazy when she would ask Him what He wanted her to do and she would get no response. Finally, she realized her frustration was coming from her fear of failing. If she didn't know the correct answer, she might mess up. And if she messed up...well crap.

Because she hadn't fully understood grace. She wasn't willing to totally abandon the idea that she was a good person and that she wouldn't disobey God. She wanted to try her best at everything, and so when God was quiet she flipped out.

But that's why grace is so beautiful. Because we don't have to live like we are walking on eggshells all the time. We are told to seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God.

Walk with our God.

Even when He is quiet, we trust Him. We trust Him to talk to us when we need to hear it. And we trust Him when He is quiet- that there is a reason why.

And we trust that when we screw up, because we weren't sure what to do or were too weak, that His grace really does abound in deepest waters.

My name is Alonnah Diez. I am guilty of putting words in God's mouth, using things He has told me to make myself look spiritually intelligent. I lack faith and patience. I have made idols out of things. Mostly myself. And this is only the stuff I am brave enough to admit outloud. But, my name is Alonnah Diez and I have received grace upon grace with all of this. Because God is good.

Even when He's silent.

A.Diez

Pick A Spot On Any Old Map

The semester's been crazy. If you can tell from my lack of posting it's that time of year. Classes have begun, work hours have gone up, and my homework load is massive. #CollegeLife.

However, last night I got a change to really sit back and relax- Courtney came over and we watched TV. Usually I'm not a big television person, but Courts got me hooked on a couple shows, and when things are always go go go, sometimes its nice to stop and eat some popcorn while watching spy episodes with my lovely friend.

If any of you have seen the show Chuck, you will appreciate this post. However, so you are warned, I will stop speaking to you if you tell me the ending. I am only halfway through season 3. So don't ruin it for me.

Anyways, last night that's what we were watching. For those of you who haven't seen Chuck, he's this computer nerd who gets accidently gets every government secret locked in his brain. He's super adorable and if he was a real person every girl would be fighting over him. But that's irrelevant. Because the part that stuck with me from last nights episode wasn't about Chuck at all. It was about his sister.

Ellie, Chuck's sister, is married to this man named Deven. Both are doctors, and they're a young, attractive couple. Because I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't seen the show, I'll keep it vague. Deven feels an urgency to travel the world and join the Doctors Without Borders organization. Ellie on the other hand, finally gets a job opportunity to help out with this organization in LA, one that she's been dreaming of being a part of since she was a kid. A good chunk of the episode shows the turmoil they undergo because both Ellie and Deven has this awesome dream to do two awesome, but different, things.

Eventually, being the heart throb husband that he is, Deven tells Ellie to take the job in LA, and that he will stay with her. This is the part that got me. Deven looks Ellie in the eyes and says, "It doesn't matter where we go, Honey. As long as I'm with you."

Oh my gosh. If he wasn't married, and was real, and was a Christian, and needed a wife, I would totally pull a Katniss Everdeen.

Because that's so sweet. And isn't that how it is when you're in love? (I think. At least from what I've observed...) You see two people who are crazy about each other and they don't care where they go for a date- as long as they've got the person they love with them. I had a friend tell me recently that she actually liked dating guys who had different interests than her, because then she could tell when they were doing those things just to bless her.

But this scene didn't stick in my head because of the cuteness. In fact, the Holy Spirit must have been just waiting to use it, because we paused the show instantly. While usually these senses make me feel lonely and awkward, instead my brain shot to the most intimate relationship in my life- the one with God.

Because I think that's how it is with Him. It doesn't matter where we go, as long as we're with Him. Being at the college age where people are constantly asking, "So what are your plans?" you find yourself freaking out a little bit. What are my plans? Am I supposed to get married? Pursue a life long career? Travel the world? Become a Baptist nun?

These questions become so frustrating. They lead us to a point where we think every situation is do or die. It kind of puts a lot of pressure on everything. But really, does it matter where we are? As long as we're with the One we love?

Now I'm not saying people who feel God put a specific thing on their heart shouldn't follow it. I don't think God really appreciated Jonah saying no to Him. He wasn't allowed to pull the, "Hmm..Ninevah. Nah, I can be with God away from that place! As long as I'm with Him!" Nope. When God puts a place on your heart, it's best to listen.

But for those of us who haven't heard anything like that yet- why are we worrying? Enjoy the freedom. One thing I have been learning is that Christians are needed everywhere. They are needed in Christian environments to encourage and build up other Christians. They are needed in secular places to reach the lost. They are needed in Africa. They are needed in America. They are needed in churches, schools, bands, basket weaving contests, accounting jobs, construction work, and balloon animal making. It's not what you do, it's Who you do it for.

1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

It doesn't says, IF you are doing mission work in a foreign country. It doesn't say, IF you have a college degree. IF you're married. It says whatever. All bases are covered here. The point isn't to find the right place, the point it to find the right purpose. (Spoiler Alert- it's God. The right purpose is to grow God's Kingdom.)

So, I think spending time with God is the main thing here. It's all about relationship. I want to be able to tell God at the end of the day the same thing Deven told Ellie. "It's doesn't really matter where we go. As long as I'm with you."


A. Diez.

Isaiah 58:11

Confessions of a Teenage Identity Crisis

Today two things happened to compose this blog post. One, I attended The Exile Church++ where my friend Ray was speaking. Two, I went to a graduation party for my sweet cousin and uncle.

Ray gave his testimony, and something he mentioned really stuck with me. He talked about trying to be a people pleaser and said "Because I'd lost my identity in Christ, I was trying to find it in what people thought of me." All I could do was write that down with an arrow pointing next to it saying "me". Because it so was.*

Then, as I was preparing to leave for the grad party, I realized I didn't have a present. (Awkward. Bad cousin award.) Like I usually do as a poor broke college student, I decided to write a heartfelt note. Since it's all about my folly and failures, I feel like sharing it is completely appropriate. So, here's a post that is simply my graduation note to my cousin Madlyn.**

Dear Cousin,

Congratulations on your graduation, Beautiful. Soak in all the cheesy grad cards, pictures poses, and mounds of advice you are about to receive. Everyone is proud of you and excited to bless you.

Being only 11 months older than you, I'm not sure how qualified I am to contribute to the advice stash. But I started thinking about what I'd wish I'd known 11 months ago, so I'm just going to write about that.

Graduation time is hard in a way- everyone starts asking the same question, "What do you want to do?" And to please them you have to drum up some solid answer.

Something I struggled with last year was my identity. First it was politics. Even though government was something that had always interested me, once I saw people associated me with it, I became obsessed. I felt like I had to know who was who in the political world- because that was my thing. It was who I was, so if I wasn't informed I felt like I wasn't doing my thing- I was being a nobody.

Another thing I saw I'd try to put my identity in was style. (clothes, music, room décor, Facebook pictures, all of it.) I'd buy certain sweat shirts to show I was cultural and adventurous. I started drinking green tea (which I actually do really like) because I wanted to be more organic, like my hipster friends. I felt like the more stuff I bought from worldmarket.com, the closer I was to being a bold missionary- my identity could be found in that title, the church people would like it.

I guess the biggest sum up of it all was my yearn to know what people thought of me. I would obsess over my Facebook page, pretending to look at it from someone else's point of view and what they'd think of my profile. I'd ask people what they thought my style was. I'm such a mix, there was never a straight answer of  "preppy", "athletic", "boho" and that drove me crazy. If my friends couldn't put a label on me, who was I?

This past year I've spent wasted money and hours trying to perfect some type of consistent image. And slowly, God has helped free me from this mania. He showed me the reason I was trying to find my identity in what people thought of me was because I'd lost my identity in Christ.+ Instead of seeing myself as His daughter, I tried to fill my void by being the politician, or the missionary, or the girl that wore Tevas, or the girl that loved elephants.

Like, I don't know, obviously God gave us all likes and dislikes and a cool variety of interests. I guess I'd just taken those "interests" and tried to make them who I was.

God created me to be His child, so trying to find my value anywhere else wasn't fulfilling.

I don't want this to be a gloomy letter; just be cautious. I don't think people realize just how confusing that question can be for young adults. It's like they ask, "What are you planning on doing?" as a way to assess our value in the world. You have value because of Christ. Galatians 2:20.

So good luck with today, next year, two months from now, tomorrow, and in an hour. You don't start you life after you reach a certain destination. You start it the minute Christ is in it.

I love you,
Alonnah.

<--This guy gets it.




So that's my dirty embarrassing story of what's been a mess in my head this past year. :) But God is good, the Holy Spirit is a patient teacher, and Jesus has freed me. I hope this encourages everyone, wherever they are at, to answer the question of "What are you doing with your life?" with something along the lines of "Enjoying Christ."

-A. Diez. Former Identitiyholic.




*Ray, instead of texting you I'm just going to put it on here, because I'm sure you'll read this. I think you should write a book about your testimony. I really could see that being an awesome benefit for people who have shared in the similar struggles you have had. Just a thought.

**Madlyn, if you happen upon this blog, I know I told you not to read this out loud in front of the family, and it seems kind of  backwards to now put it online for the world to see, but I felt like this wasn't something everyone would want to hear before cake and ice cream. If that makes any sense. Happy Graduation! Don't sue me.

+Credit: Holy Spirit, through Ray Shular

++The Exile Church meets at 11:00 on Sundays. It's off of Hwy A in Washington, about 15 seconds away from Miller's Grill. It looks like a white barn. You should check it out sometime.

The Struggle is Real, Bro.

Well hello there.

There's really no cute introduction or funny story that ties into an analogy on this one. Sorry. You'll have to use your imagination and pretend I just wrapped up a totally hilarious tale about chasing frogs down a freeway or something.


But my post today is on suffering and trials. This is a subject that's been popping up everywhere lately, ever since June when my friend Kristi gave a lesson on it during the mission trip. I've been hearing wise words about hardships from all around. And sadly, I've been hearing about painful struggles from all around too. It seems like some of the people I love the most are coping with unimaginable pains. When it rains it pours.

Korey Hogan (this time I'm mentioning you for a legit reason..) once said that when God wants to teach us something it seems like He'll tell us multiple times, and it's interesting how many different people from different areas of my life have been talking about this.

So, here is a combobulation of what God has been showing me. Most of it has come from scripture, some of it's from personal time with God where I've screamed prayers up, some from what others have said. Different observations. Take what you need.

• James 1:2. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. "

I spent the entire month of July studying James, and it didn't hit me until a few weeks ago what various trials could mean. I always thought it meant various like "when your parents are going through a divorce OR when you best friend talks behind your back OR when you get kicked out of college"* Various emotional struggles. But then I realized, that struggles could mean any kind. Emotional, physical, AND spiritual.

Spiritual struggles always freak me out. If I am asking God for advice and I hear nothing, I assume I'm doing something wrong. I hate phases of doubt. I feel frustrated if I don't understand something in the Bible and sick if I pray for wisdom and don't receive any direction. Spiritual struggles are my least favorite kind.

But to apply the verse in James to spiritual struggles totally changed my view. "It is good, friends, when you meet spiritual trials. It's a chance for your faith to grow stronger, for you to gain perseverance. But don't get discouraged, no matter how long it takes, because this time of faith building is going to get your spiritual maturity to where it needs to be, so you don't go without faith in an area you're going to need it." (A.Diez Para)

My mom recently told me of some insight one of her brothers had shared with her. It's interesting, because we are told to let perseverance have its full effect, so we don't lack anything. So if you think about it, these trials we are facing- they are preparing us for something big. Something spiritually big. Maybe if God is allowing you to go through a physical, emotional, or spiritual hardship, it is because He has some really cool stuff up in store, that only a faith refined by fire can handle.

• For a while I've felt like I disappoint God when I struggle with things. I feel like He's up in heaven shaking His head like, "That little weakling. Why aren't you stronger!" Which is silly, but it's how I feel. As always, when we feel a way that contradicts scripture, it's a good idea to have a few verses that speak truth against the lie you're believing. Here are some for mine:

Isaiah 66:2 "I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, broken in sprit, and who trembles at My word."

Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."

1 Cor 12:9 "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I've started to realize, wanting to prove to God I'm strong enough, when in actuality I am barley hanging on, is a pride issue. I want to prove I am "worthy" of salvation**, because I can handle various trials without breaking down in front of Him. 1 Peter 5:6-7. Love it.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you."

• Connected with the above bullet, something I've been struggling with for a while is knowing how to talk to God during my sadness without whining to Him. There are all these books and prayer help guides that say to praise God before you ask for anything, don't ask for more than three things at a whack, and then send a thank you note when you're done. (that last one was sarcastic.) But in all seriousness, it's been a huge struggle for me. I used to think of God as my best friend, and somewhere in the midst of my legalism, He became a formal sponsor of my life who I could only share the positive things with.

I talked to the youth pastor at my church*** about how best to approach God with things that are hurting you, while still having a thankful heart for the things you have. He reminded me God is our Father, and dad's love listening to their kids. A genuine relationship with God doesn't come from a certain amount of time dedicated to praying this or that- it comes from talking to God.

Chris did mention that like any relationship, one where you are always simply talking about your problems is not going to be enjoyable for either party. He said sometimes he comes to God without asking for anything, just to praise Him. But it's not a rule book where you force yourself to only spend two minutes pouring your heart out to God when you've got two hours worth of stuff to say. If you did that with your earthly father it would be a surface relationship. And that's not the kind of relationship God wants to have with us.

• So I think this is the last bullet. It once again deals with weakness. Recently, during a rough night, there were only two people I wanted to talk to: God and Courtney Johnson.  Even though she only got one very short, very vague text, she sent this back:
  
  I will be praying a lot for you...Let me know if there's anything at all I can do for you. I don't want satan to get the victory in any way because of this. God is STRONGER!!

Just that little last sentence hit the mark. Totally changed how I viewed everything. It really put in perspective how so many times I feel like I'm defeated and struggling to hang on, when I should really be seeing myself as a victor. I am on the winning team. Even if I am weak, the Bible says in my weakness He is strong, so a weak victor is still a victor. Obviously God wins in the end****, but Satan is the king of lies, and if he can lie to us to make us feel like we're less than victorious, he's going to do that. One verse to wrap this up:

1 John 2:14 "I write to you, fathers, because you know Him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have had victory over the evil one."



A. Diez.

*None of these have happened to me. I have great parents, awesome best friends, and am still chugging along through college. These are hypothetical examples.

 

**How sick and how prideful is that? Probably in the nearby future there will be a blog post about grace. Probably after my friend Michelle finishes that one book and lets me barrow it. ;) (Not like I'm rushing you or anything...)

 

***Chris, you seriously get mentioned in like every other post. This is ridiculous. It's either you or Ray Shular- who probably would have gotten mentioned if he hadn't been traveling around the United States for the past two weeks. (This is me being bitter and harboring jealous envy towards you, Ray. Bring me back a souvenir, like the Declaration of Independence or something. The original.)

 

****Spoiler Alert

 

A Post Dedicated to the Hogans

Happy Fourth of July weekend all! I hope your days were filled with fireworks and apple pie and all things 'Merica. My Independence Day consisted of friends, food, fireworks, and telephone pictionary. My number one favorite game ever. It was a good one.

While I was playing my favorite game, Korey Hogan asked when I would mention him in a blog post. Then, surprise, Jared Hogan said he wanted to be in a post too! Must be a twin thing.

So here I am. Jared and Korey Hogan. Korey Hogan. Jared Hogan. HOGAN. JARED. KOREY.

Anyways, Korey had asked how often I try to write blogs and I couldn't give him a definite answer because I really can only write them when God kindly gives me something to compose. I've tried to come up with posts before, without God showing anything, and they were about as successful as the second Mean Girls movie. Which means not at all.

But today, low and behold, God had to convict Alonnah in yet another area of her life! So guess what? Blog post time.

I've had Baby Mario for over three years now. (my little red Oldsmobile). And I have never, ever, dusted him. And maybe dusting wouldn't have been quite as necessary if last semester I hadn't been running late for class one morning and split Cheerios all over the shifter. Baby M hates Cheerios.

So, because I had some wet wipes left over from the mission trip last week, I decided to have some TLC time with my car. I knew I had about two hours before I needed to start getting ready for dinner at my grandmas, but I also knew I had multiple things I wanted to do in between that time as well.

As I'm wiping away glitter and Cheerio flakes from my cup holder I notice a very familiar person. My sweet, kind, dear old man neighbor. (75% of my neighborhood is elderly people, so I feel like his identity is protected fairly well, regardless of the web posting.) And though he is dear and sweet and kind, I cringed just a bit, and tried hiding my face. Because another adjective to describe this man is talkative.

I'm able to go about five minute before he calls out to me. I try to do the hurried wave as I bee line towards the front door, but he gets me. We chit chat a little bit and then he invites me inside. I tell him thanks for the offer but I really don't have time and hopefully another day we can catch up. He seems a bit bummed out and, after talking to me for a bit longer, heads back into to his garage.

And then I did the smart thing of trying to explain the situation to God.

The conversation went somewhat like this.

Me: "Hi, Lord. That sweet old guy needs someone to talk to. Someone with a lot of time on their hands. For some reason our paths seem to cross a decent amount. But I really am not the Christian for this job. I'm too busy. You might want to get someone else on that."

God: "Hi, Alonnah. I'm getting Deja Voo. I remember Moses saying something super similar to that- him thinking he wasn't cut out for the job I gave him? I'm not dumb and I have placed the perfect combination of which Christian I want to serve which person in which way. You are not too busy for this man, or I would not have lead you to him."

Then, tonight during Bible time, I was reading 1Thessalonians and this little number popped out:

1 Thes 2:4

"Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please men, but rather God, who examines our hearts."

So many times I think that I'm not well enough prepared, or not the right person to be sharing the gospel with so and so. But this verse is like the Sharing Gospel Diploma. God approved you to share it- He gave you the A-Okay.

Going back to the busy thing, there are just a few things I want to say. About a year ago I was taking on quite the amount of Jesus tasks. And it got to the point where people would tell me I needed to watch out or that I was putting too much on myself. I began hesitating, and thinking that if people were noticing I was doing a lot for God that I must be at Jesus par and I could hold back a little. And then, I felt like God was saying,

"Alonnah. You are my creation, not theirs. I will decide what is and isn't too much for you."

It just stopped me cold. Because really, only my Creator knows my potential. He knows if I am or am not giving it my all.

So that was a year ago. And I did take on many more endeavors. However, recently, with it being Fourth of July weekend, and wanting to have time with friends and family and friends again and just desiring good Christian fellowship along with multiple Jesus tasks, I've gotten to the point where I think the last time I really studied the Bible was last week. I felt God remind me of last year, and then He whispered,

"Hey. Remember when I said you can take on more? Well, it's time you take on a little less."

Sometimes I get so silly and think that God just doesn't understand. But then it's like, not only is He my Father- He is my Creator. And He knows exactly what He created me for. So why am I so squirmy about doing things He's placed in my life? Or, on the flip side, why do I get so anxious to do things He hasn't called me to at this point?



I'll end with this beautiful verse from Isaiah 43. Verses 1-3.

"This is what the Lord says- the one who created you and formed you: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.' "

Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water.

A. Diez.

Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

Hi. My bedtime was 10:30. Guess what time I begin this post? 11:31.

But it's totally not my fault. I'm blaming this one on God.

This entire day I've spent packing for Dauphin Island. (We leave Saturday for the mission trip- if anyone wants to shoot up some prayers.) I realized, after I'd finished my laundry, my chai tea, and my nightly Facebook stalking, that I'd packed my Bible in my duffle bag already. Because it took me three different tries to get everything to fit AND I had to literally stand on top of the bag to zip it shut, I decided to leave my Bible right where it was and go find an old one to use.

I've been reading in 1 Corinthians lately, and a little in Jeremiah too. But since I didn't have my bookmark I just flipped to John and skimmed over some highlights. John 15 was a pretty great chapter for starting a mission trip, and I was digging 14:26, because recently I've been super stressed lately.

Stressed about what Alonnah?

Well, I am so glad you asked.

I never used to be a perfectionist. In fact, when my orthodontist told me I got to keep my braces for an extra 6 months, because he wanted them "good as gold", I firmly decided I wanted to be an un-perfectionist. However, over the years, I have somehow gravitated to the idea that I must be perfect in everything.

So, like I said, I've been reading 1 Corinthians. And particularly the part about head coverings. And when I read that I started to flip out, like "Why do I not wear a head covering? Am I supposed to be wearing a head covering? Or does my hair count? Or was it cultural? Do I wait until I get married to wear a head covering? Or do single girls wear them too? I should just not get married so I don't have to wear one." I've done lots of research, and I've learned a ton, and I think I have for once and for all decided that no, I do not need to wear one. However, I keep coming back to it. Every time I read 1 Cor, I feel condemned. Like I am dumb for not being able to figure out what the perfect and correct answer to all of this is.

And then there's been this thing where I've been concerned with idolatry. No, I haven't been secretly bowing down to a little statue of Buddha in my spare time, but I have heard how idolatry can be in the form of putting something or someone else before God. And I am like "Whoa. Can't do that now can I?" So I've been asking pretty much any wise person who will listen how to keep something from being an idol. And so I've re-evaluated my entire life and gone "Is this or is this not an idol? IS IT OR IS IT NOT?" So much to the point where I've probably made WORRYING about an idol, idolatry.

Finally, the latest worry, modesty. Last night I was doing research and ran across a video of Christian guys talking about what did and did not seem modest to them. And I was shocked. Clothes that I wore TO BE MODEST weren't appropriate by their standards. So what did I do? Well, to my friend Ray's delight, I called him and made him watch the video (at 12:32 am) and then had him tell me his thoughts. (According to Ray my closet is modest and I have nothing to worry about.) However, I went to bed feeling like I was a bad Christian girl and I should switch all my outfits to sweatpants and T-Shirts.

So tonight when I read John 14:26 "But the Holy Spirit, who the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have said to you." I was like "YESSS. God that is totally what I need." Because I've been so confused as to if what I am doing is right or if what I am doing is wrong.

Because God is cool and I'm weird, I felt prompted to read backwards a little bit, and started John 13- Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Read this:

"No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."  "Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"  Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean...(John 13:8-10)

The story of Jesus washing the feet is a beautiful example of truly serving others- and I think that's the point Jesus was trying to make. However, thanks to the Holy Spirit, who the Father sent to me, teaching me all things, I was shown a different analogy with all of this.

I was being like Peter.

Sin has made us dirty. Just by walking around in the world we can't avoid it. Laziness, lust, pride, worry, selfishness, addictions- it's everywhere and we're all guilty. So- before we ask Jesus to come into our life and save us- we are dirty. And so many times when we hear about Jesus, we're like "No! You can't clean me up! I'm way too gross and you are way too perfect. It won't work. You'll never wash my feet!"
 But, because He loves us so intensely, when we repent and ask Jesus to be the propitiation for our sin, He does it, because He wants us to be with Him forever. (1 John 4:9-10, one of my favorite verses about salvation).

I've known this. My entire life I've been taught that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me (Romans 5:8) and because of this, my sins are no more. All the gross stuff I did, am doing, and will do in the future are taken care of because Jesus's paid that debt. This is not new to me anymore.

However, while I was reading the second part of that passage in John, the Holy Spirit was like "ALONNAHHH!"

"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

I love how jung hu Peter is about this whole washing thing. He's like, "Yeah buddy! Do or die! Let's take this to level 10. YOLO! Except..wait, no, now I get to live twice! Oh my gosh, Jesus wash my head!"

Just this attitude alone is totally me. I get so into things, it's like if you are going to do it you might as well do it 100% right? I feel like if Simon Peter and I were on a team together, we would totally win most spirited. (Not spiritual, spirited. Like the rah rah sis boom bah).

But then it was like, I did a double take and the Holy Spirit showed me I had more in common with Peter than just enthusiasm. It's like the past several months I've been focusing on all the things I'm probably doing wrong and stressing myself out about needing to fix this or that.

And Jesus is like "You are already clean...?"

There have been times when I feel convicted and it is the best thing in the world for me. Though conviction is uncomfortable, it is always good, and has benefitted my relationship with Christ on so many levels. However, in situations where I am stressing that I may be doing something wrong, to the point where I can't even think about God because I am making myself feel too condemned, it's like I am trying to be a perfectionist again. I'm not trusting the Holy Spirit to show me what needs fixing, to teach me when I need it. Instead I have been frantically judging myself every chance I get.

In this post I am not saying to stop evaluating the fruit you are bearing. You do not have to clean yourself up to come to Jesus, however having Him in your life WILL clean you up. So, it's always good to do a double take and make sure you are actually walking with Him. However, walking with Him is more than just obeying Him. It's spending time with Him, letting Him love on you and just enjoying His wonders. If you are like me, and spend all of your time worrying if you are doing it right or not, you aren't even doing what you were created and saved to do- which is have a relationship with Him.
Sometimes we get so legalistic.

Time to share one of my new favorite verses: "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye on you." -Psalm 32:8

God isn't up in Heaven going "Oh my gosh that idiot Alonnah! She can't figure out if her clothes are modest and she doesn't know if that's an idol for her and she sure as heck is too stupid to understand what the heck a head covering is really supposed to signify! She's just too dumb for Me to explain things too!"
Nah. Even my dumbness isn't strong enough to keep God from teaching me. And He's got His eye on me, so if I start to do something that's off, He can re-direct me. Thank goodness.

Now that it's 12:37, and my bedtime was TWO hours ago, I think it is time I hit the hay. I have a date with some tennis shoes at 6:00 tomorrow morning, and it only gets better from there.
Thanks for reading.
Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water. Trust He'll show you.
A. Diez

 

Just Do It For The Vine

Hi there! It's been a while. :)

Happy news from me- finals are over! Summer is here! We can all go outside now without five layers of clothes on!

If any of you follow me on Pinterest, you probably have noticed that among the Harry Potter and Frozen pins, I've also been pinning an ample amount of things associated with running. (Namely cute outfits from Nike. Because they're adorable and they make me feel fitnessy while I'm sitting on the couch.). But I have been actually running too. I promise.

Anyways, now that the weather isn't 70 below, I can finally start running outside more often. Yay! In just a few weeks I hope to have the tennis shoe tan line that either pegs you as a trail blazer or someone who just got back from band camp. (I say this because the majority of my friends went to band camp in high school, and trust me, I've seen the funky line that stops right at the ankle on just about all of em.)

So, Monday this week I decided to go on a new route I'd made up. Everything is going swell, I'm keeping good time, waving at everyone who passes me by (halfway to be friendly, the other half to say "Look! I'm right here! Please don't accidently hit me with your car!") However, as I'm finishing up my third mile, my ankle rolls. Shoot.

I started not feeling super good after that. Ankle problems have been my nemesis for the past six years of my running life- taking me out of races, causing me to get crutches, making me down ibuprofen, all of that fun stuff. However, I was determined to finish my savy new route, and I was barely halfway done. So, *cue motivational music* I pressed on.

I noticed after that my face started to get really, really attractive. (This is sarcasm.) My eyes became squinty and my forehead got all wrinkling, and then I started slouching and favoring my right side a bit more. As cars passed me by, I stopped waving. I was embarrassed. And that also ticked me off because I was thinking "You'd be so impressed if you knew that my ankle hurts and I'm still running on it! This is the best I can do right now!" But they didn't know that. All they knew was that they saw some short slow girl running up a hill.

And then I started thinking (heck, I needed something to get my mind off my ankle) how many times have I seen someone running, slower than me, who probably had a lot father to run? Or who had just gotten out of surgery? Or maybe they had done a leg workout already, and this was their cool down? Or, like this would ever happen, just rolled their ankle?

So, after that realization finally hit, God kind of pieced things together for me. It was like He was saying, "Hey. You know when you think "How can somebody act that rude?" Alonnah, you have no idea what other things you don't see that they are dealing with." It's like, all I see is some slow person running up a hill, when really, because of a different part during their run, it's the best they can do.

The more I think about it, the weirder it seems to think that a person would actually wake up and decide "Aha! I'm going to be hard to deal with today!" No way. I think most everyone really is doing the best they can, on what they've been given.

And that includes non-Christians. Sometimes I get a little frustrated when I see people acting ways they totally shouldn't. I'm like Jonah and ask God "Can't you just smite them? They are literally driving me nuts." But recently God's been telling me, over and over, that they're doing the best they can- with the info they've been given.

I was reading in 1 Corinthians a few days ago, where Paul is talking about spiritual wisdom. He mentions in 2:8- "None of the rulers of this age knew it, for if they had known it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory."

It just made me think, they didn't know. They seriously just didn't get it. Paul even says, if they'd known they wouldn't have done it! (This isn't to say Jesus's hadn't tried to tell them, I'm not sure where that fits in.) But, it really made me think, when people treat me poorly- I just need to try loving on them. If they knew what I know about Christ, they probably wouldn't be treating me that way anyways.

And, like most things in my life, this ties back into my pride problem. Paul covers that a few chapters later. 1 Corinthians 4:7 "For who makes you so superior? What do you have that you didn't receive?"
It's like here I am thinking "Good job Alonnah! You were nice to that person and showed them God's love! Gold star for you."

Good grief. I'm sickening. God has, very lovingly, been convicting me that the only reason I am able to do any good thing, any decent thing at all, is because of what He's shown me. That's it.

We're all on different races in life. God has given some people a trail that seems to change direction constantly, some people are on a run that's a little boring right now, and some people are rolling their ankles every other mile. So when we see each other running, and one of us is a little more out of breath than the other, instead of judging how they're handling their race (sadly like I tend to do) we should give them words of encouragement, and if we've got the energy, a high five.

Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water. Help the other runners.
A. Diez

Baloney Sandwhich

Hi there.

Remember how last time I wrote a post about being genuine with people? Letting them know about our struggles? Living without pretense?

Well, here I go.

About two weeks ago, right before the end of the year hit, I went up with a group of really awesome, really Jesus-following Christian friends to Kansas City for a conference. It was the first time I'd attended a mega conference since my sophomore year of high school, so it'd been a while. In all honesty, I'm not a big fan of conferences in general, but Francis Chan was going to be there, so I made an exception.*

At first, I loved it. The conference had about 25,000 other believers walking around. You would see people worshiping with all the energy they had, groups talking about God together, people pouring their hearts out to their Father in prayer. It reminded me of a glimpse of what Heaven was going to be like. So, neat stuff.

But around the second or third night something really off happened. Not with the conference, not with the group I was with, not even with our sketchy hotel room. But as I was worshiping I felt this clobber of doubt. I didn't know why, or even exactly what I was doubting, but I was overcome with fear and thoughts that everything I'd been believing was a lie, that Jesus wasn't actually taking me to Heaven, and that I was misinterpreting all of it. I just wasn't feeling that certainty of what I'd known before.

I began feeling very anxious. I couldn't have doubt, Jesus was my entire life, I had no purpose besides Him. And what were people going to think of me if they knew that I was a doubter? I literally dreaded the idea that my friends were going to have to start witnessing to me- Alonnah the heathen.

My name is Alonnah. And I'm a Doubting Thomas.

However, the feeling of doubt was giving me so much turmoil it spilled out. The first night I think I only told one of the girls in our group, and just asked her for prayer. Then the next couple days I told a few others. I have to say they all handled it beautifully. No one looked at me as though Satan had possessed my body. No one turned really panicky and started yelling scripture into my head. They simply prayed with me, asked if I had questions, and I was given some verses to look up.

Something interesting that I noticed was that this time was different from the previous encounter I'd had with uncertainty, ironically right after the last conference I'd gone to. The last time I had kept it very private, being embarrassed around my church friends to not be experiencing the same type of faith they had. I was lazy and kept subconsciously hoping that if I waited long enough maybe my doubts would just go away. <- Not a good way to tackle confusion.

However this time I was so frustrated by my uneasiness that I decided to attack whatever I was unsure of, starting in The Gospel of Luke. I knew Jesus was a real person, that much had been made obvious by history. But I wanted to look at who He said that He was, that salvation was what I thought it was, and not just what I'd been hearing other people say about Christianity my entire life.

I don't know if I've ever done more Biblical research in my life. I felt drained after constant prayer and fasting and late nights and weird people on Google. But I learned interesting stuff about Jesus's genealogy and different things concerning conversations Christ had. My Bible became littered with little notes all over it.

I eventually found a really great message by Greg Laurie. Here's the vid if anyone's interested:

One thing Greg said that stuck with me was this: Doubt is not the opposite of faith, it's an element of faith.

That's so true. Without doubt, we wouldn't have faith. Through this entire process I've realized that doubt can do one of two things- it can bring us intensely closer to God or it can drive us away from Him. But the outcome of that is entirely up to us. Like I said, I probably spent more time with God while I was doubting than I ever have before. I was in worship and prayer just begging for answers. When situations came up where I was tempted I had to decide to still act like Christ instructed me, even though I was struggling with leeriness.

So that's how we can get closer.

But I think, especially for high school and college students, when we start to see doubt it is so easy to start pulling away from the One with the answers.

Because when you doubt, sometimes you are just numb, especially if it is emotional doubt. And as Misty Edwards said at the conference, we aren't created to live numb- we as humans hate it. We're created in the image of an All Consuming God, so we hate not feeling anything or being without answers. And that is why sin is so enticing. Because sin is such a quick and easy way to feel something. And that's why during times of doubt so many people decide to throw in the towel.

Trying to learn and study answers is a long and grueling process- it's work. As one of my friends pointed out, spiritual warfare is called warfare for a reason. It's a battle.

Hebrews 11:6 says without faith it's impossible to please God. But I was shocked when I read what came right after that- it says God rewards those who seek Him.
To spend your time looking for answers, and having enough faith to still live your life for Him while you are searching.

Laurie points out in his message that doubt and unbelief aren't the same thing. He said that when a doubter is presented with evidence they become a believer. When a nonbeliever is presented with evidence they decide to reject it.

I just wanted to write this post to encourage anyone struggling with doubt. The most important things I've learned are
- Just because you are doubting doesn't mean to stop following God. That's how you start falling away.
- Doubt is a really, really common thing in the Bible. Gary R. Habermas says, "...doubt is not always a sin. Neither is it necessarily the opposite of faith nor the product of weak faith. It is experienced by many believers in Scripture, such as Abraham, Job, David, Jeremiah, and John the Baptist. And almost all believers, as well as unbelievers, experience doubt at times. As strange as it seems, doubt can produce positive results, and many doubters are very much in love with the Lord."
- It is such a battle. If you want to win you have to be willing to do the work and research and prayer that goes along with it. But asking other, strong, Christians to help you is a great way to make that battle a little more bearable.

I want to end with a cute little story. While I was at the conference, one of my friends came up to me and felt like he needed to just talk to me about the armor of God, mentioned in Ephesians 6. He said he thought I specifically needed to focus on the shield of faith, "In every situation take the shield of faith, and with it you will be able to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one." v. 16.

In every situation. That means even in situations when I doubt.

Anyways, for those of you who don't know, Captain America is my favorite superhero. MY FAVORITE. One of my friends on campus actually calls me Captain America. I'm not sure if she knows my real name yet or not.

Right after the conversation about using the shield of faith I had to head off somewhere. The friend I was talking to said that as soon as I left, this guy stood up. On the back of his shirt was the shield from Captain America, which is like the main way Steve Rogers stays alive. I don't know, maybe it just seemed cool to me, but God is so stinking personal sometimes. He knows us so intimately. And He understands when we have doubts and need help coping with them.

Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water. Seek and you will find.
A. Diez.



*This is not me trying to worship Francis Chan. This is me, however, endorsing his books and messages which have, through the Holy Spirit, brought intense conviction and change to my life.