Ray gave his testimony, and something he mentioned really stuck with me. He talked about trying to be a people pleaser and said "Because I'd lost my identity in Christ, I was trying to find it in what people thought of me." All I could do was write that down with an arrow pointing next to it saying "me". Because it so was.*
Then, as I was preparing to leave for the grad party, I realized I didn't have a present. (Awkward. Bad cousin award.) Like I usually do as a poor broke college student, I decided to write a heartfelt note. Since it's all about my folly and failures, I feel like sharing it is completely appropriate. So, here's a post that is simply my graduation note to my cousin Madlyn.**
Dear Cousin,
Congratulations on your graduation, Beautiful. Soak in all the cheesy grad cards, pictures poses, and mounds of advice you are about to receive. Everyone is proud of you and excited to bless you.
Being only 11 months older than you, I'm not sure how qualified I am to contribute to the advice stash. But I started thinking about what I'd wish I'd known 11 months ago, so I'm just going to write about that.
Graduation time is hard in a way- everyone starts asking the same question, "What do you want to do?" And to please them you have to drum up some solid answer.
Something I struggled with last year was my identity. First it was politics. Even though government was something that had always interested me, once I saw people associated me with it, I became obsessed. I felt like I had to know who was who in the political world- because that was my thing. It was who I was, so if I wasn't informed I felt like I wasn't doing my thing- I was being a nobody.
Another thing I saw I'd try to put my identity in was style. (clothes, music, room décor, Facebook pictures, all of it.) I'd buy certain sweat shirts to show I was cultural and adventurous. I started drinking green tea (which I actually do really like) because I wanted to be more organic, like my hipster friends. I felt like the more stuff I bought from worldmarket.com, the closer I was to being a bold missionary- my identity could be found in that title, the church people would like it.
I guess the biggest sum up of it all was my yearn to know what people thought of me. I would obsess over my Facebook page, pretending to look at it from someone else's point of view and what they'd think of my profile. I'd ask people what they thought my style was. I'm such a mix, there was never a straight answer of "preppy", "athletic", "boho" and that drove me crazy. If my friends couldn't put a label on me, who was I?
This past year I've spent wasted money and hours trying to perfect some type of consistent image. And slowly, God has helped free me from this mania. He showed me the reason I was trying to find my identity in what people thought of me was because I'd lost my identity in Christ.+ Instead of seeing myself as His daughter, I tried to fill my void by being the politician, or the missionary, or the girl that wore Tevas, or the girl that loved elephants.
Like, I don't know, obviously God gave us all likes and dislikes and a cool variety of interests. I guess I'd just taken those "interests" and tried to make them who I was.
God created me to be His child, so trying to find my value anywhere else wasn't fulfilling.
I don't want this to be a gloomy letter; just be cautious. I don't think people realize just how confusing that question can be for young adults. It's like they ask, "What are you planning on doing?" as a way to assess our value in the world. You have value because of Christ. Galatians 2:20.
So good luck with today, next year, two months from now, tomorrow, and in an hour. You don't start you life after you reach a certain destination. You start it the minute Christ is in it.
I love you,
Alonnah.
<--This guy gets it.
So that's my dirty embarrassing story of what's been a mess in my head this past year. :) But God is good, the Holy Spirit is a patient teacher, and Jesus has freed me. I hope this encourages everyone, wherever they are at, to answer the question of "What are you doing with your life?" with something along the lines of "Enjoying Christ."
-A. Diez. Former Identitiyholic.
*Ray, instead of texting you I'm just going to put it on here, because I'm sure you'll read this. I think you should write a book about your testimony. I really could see that being an awesome benefit for people who have shared in the similar struggles you have had. Just a thought.
**Madlyn, if you happen upon this blog, I know I told you not to read this out loud in front of the family, and it seems kind of backwards to now put it online for the world to see, but I felt like this wasn't something everyone would want to hear before cake and ice cream. If that makes any sense. Happy Graduation! Don't sue me.
+Credit: Holy Spirit, through Ray Shular
++The Exile Church meets at 11:00 on Sundays. It's off of Hwy A in Washington, about 15 seconds away from Miller's Grill. It looks like a white barn. You should check it out sometime.
