Confessions of a Teenage Identity Crisis

Today two things happened to compose this blog post. One, I attended The Exile Church++ where my friend Ray was speaking. Two, I went to a graduation party for my sweet cousin and uncle.

Ray gave his testimony, and something he mentioned really stuck with me. He talked about trying to be a people pleaser and said "Because I'd lost my identity in Christ, I was trying to find it in what people thought of me." All I could do was write that down with an arrow pointing next to it saying "me". Because it so was.*

Then, as I was preparing to leave for the grad party, I realized I didn't have a present. (Awkward. Bad cousin award.) Like I usually do as a poor broke college student, I decided to write a heartfelt note. Since it's all about my folly and failures, I feel like sharing it is completely appropriate. So, here's a post that is simply my graduation note to my cousin Madlyn.**

Dear Cousin,

Congratulations on your graduation, Beautiful. Soak in all the cheesy grad cards, pictures poses, and mounds of advice you are about to receive. Everyone is proud of you and excited to bless you.

Being only 11 months older than you, I'm not sure how qualified I am to contribute to the advice stash. But I started thinking about what I'd wish I'd known 11 months ago, so I'm just going to write about that.

Graduation time is hard in a way- everyone starts asking the same question, "What do you want to do?" And to please them you have to drum up some solid answer.

Something I struggled with last year was my identity. First it was politics. Even though government was something that had always interested me, once I saw people associated me with it, I became obsessed. I felt like I had to know who was who in the political world- because that was my thing. It was who I was, so if I wasn't informed I felt like I wasn't doing my thing- I was being a nobody.

Another thing I saw I'd try to put my identity in was style. (clothes, music, room décor, Facebook pictures, all of it.) I'd buy certain sweat shirts to show I was cultural and adventurous. I started drinking green tea (which I actually do really like) because I wanted to be more organic, like my hipster friends. I felt like the more stuff I bought from worldmarket.com, the closer I was to being a bold missionary- my identity could be found in that title, the church people would like it.

I guess the biggest sum up of it all was my yearn to know what people thought of me. I would obsess over my Facebook page, pretending to look at it from someone else's point of view and what they'd think of my profile. I'd ask people what they thought my style was. I'm such a mix, there was never a straight answer of  "preppy", "athletic", "boho" and that drove me crazy. If my friends couldn't put a label on me, who was I?

This past year I've spent wasted money and hours trying to perfect some type of consistent image. And slowly, God has helped free me from this mania. He showed me the reason I was trying to find my identity in what people thought of me was because I'd lost my identity in Christ.+ Instead of seeing myself as His daughter, I tried to fill my void by being the politician, or the missionary, or the girl that wore Tevas, or the girl that loved elephants.

Like, I don't know, obviously God gave us all likes and dislikes and a cool variety of interests. I guess I'd just taken those "interests" and tried to make them who I was.

God created me to be His child, so trying to find my value anywhere else wasn't fulfilling.

I don't want this to be a gloomy letter; just be cautious. I don't think people realize just how confusing that question can be for young adults. It's like they ask, "What are you planning on doing?" as a way to assess our value in the world. You have value because of Christ. Galatians 2:20.

So good luck with today, next year, two months from now, tomorrow, and in an hour. You don't start you life after you reach a certain destination. You start it the minute Christ is in it.

I love you,
Alonnah.

<--This guy gets it.




So that's my dirty embarrassing story of what's been a mess in my head this past year. :) But God is good, the Holy Spirit is a patient teacher, and Jesus has freed me. I hope this encourages everyone, wherever they are at, to answer the question of "What are you doing with your life?" with something along the lines of "Enjoying Christ."

-A. Diez. Former Identitiyholic.




*Ray, instead of texting you I'm just going to put it on here, because I'm sure you'll read this. I think you should write a book about your testimony. I really could see that being an awesome benefit for people who have shared in the similar struggles you have had. Just a thought.

**Madlyn, if you happen upon this blog, I know I told you not to read this out loud in front of the family, and it seems kind of  backwards to now put it online for the world to see, but I felt like this wasn't something everyone would want to hear before cake and ice cream. If that makes any sense. Happy Graduation! Don't sue me.

+Credit: Holy Spirit, through Ray Shular

++The Exile Church meets at 11:00 on Sundays. It's off of Hwy A in Washington, about 15 seconds away from Miller's Grill. It looks like a white barn. You should check it out sometime.

The Struggle is Real, Bro.

Well hello there.

There's really no cute introduction or funny story that ties into an analogy on this one. Sorry. You'll have to use your imagination and pretend I just wrapped up a totally hilarious tale about chasing frogs down a freeway or something.


But my post today is on suffering and trials. This is a subject that's been popping up everywhere lately, ever since June when my friend Kristi gave a lesson on it during the mission trip. I've been hearing wise words about hardships from all around. And sadly, I've been hearing about painful struggles from all around too. It seems like some of the people I love the most are coping with unimaginable pains. When it rains it pours.

Korey Hogan (this time I'm mentioning you for a legit reason..) once said that when God wants to teach us something it seems like He'll tell us multiple times, and it's interesting how many different people from different areas of my life have been talking about this.

So, here is a combobulation of what God has been showing me. Most of it has come from scripture, some of it's from personal time with God where I've screamed prayers up, some from what others have said. Different observations. Take what you need.

• James 1:2. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. "

I spent the entire month of July studying James, and it didn't hit me until a few weeks ago what various trials could mean. I always thought it meant various like "when your parents are going through a divorce OR when you best friend talks behind your back OR when you get kicked out of college"* Various emotional struggles. But then I realized, that struggles could mean any kind. Emotional, physical, AND spiritual.

Spiritual struggles always freak me out. If I am asking God for advice and I hear nothing, I assume I'm doing something wrong. I hate phases of doubt. I feel frustrated if I don't understand something in the Bible and sick if I pray for wisdom and don't receive any direction. Spiritual struggles are my least favorite kind.

But to apply the verse in James to spiritual struggles totally changed my view. "It is good, friends, when you meet spiritual trials. It's a chance for your faith to grow stronger, for you to gain perseverance. But don't get discouraged, no matter how long it takes, because this time of faith building is going to get your spiritual maturity to where it needs to be, so you don't go without faith in an area you're going to need it." (A.Diez Para)

My mom recently told me of some insight one of her brothers had shared with her. It's interesting, because we are told to let perseverance have its full effect, so we don't lack anything. So if you think about it, these trials we are facing- they are preparing us for something big. Something spiritually big. Maybe if God is allowing you to go through a physical, emotional, or spiritual hardship, it is because He has some really cool stuff up in store, that only a faith refined by fire can handle.

• For a while I've felt like I disappoint God when I struggle with things. I feel like He's up in heaven shaking His head like, "That little weakling. Why aren't you stronger!" Which is silly, but it's how I feel. As always, when we feel a way that contradicts scripture, it's a good idea to have a few verses that speak truth against the lie you're believing. Here are some for mine:

Isaiah 66:2 "I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, broken in sprit, and who trembles at My word."

Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."

1 Cor 12:9 "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I've started to realize, wanting to prove to God I'm strong enough, when in actuality I am barley hanging on, is a pride issue. I want to prove I am "worthy" of salvation**, because I can handle various trials without breaking down in front of Him. 1 Peter 5:6-7. Love it.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you."

• Connected with the above bullet, something I've been struggling with for a while is knowing how to talk to God during my sadness without whining to Him. There are all these books and prayer help guides that say to praise God before you ask for anything, don't ask for more than three things at a whack, and then send a thank you note when you're done. (that last one was sarcastic.) But in all seriousness, it's been a huge struggle for me. I used to think of God as my best friend, and somewhere in the midst of my legalism, He became a formal sponsor of my life who I could only share the positive things with.

I talked to the youth pastor at my church*** about how best to approach God with things that are hurting you, while still having a thankful heart for the things you have. He reminded me God is our Father, and dad's love listening to their kids. A genuine relationship with God doesn't come from a certain amount of time dedicated to praying this or that- it comes from talking to God.

Chris did mention that like any relationship, one where you are always simply talking about your problems is not going to be enjoyable for either party. He said sometimes he comes to God without asking for anything, just to praise Him. But it's not a rule book where you force yourself to only spend two minutes pouring your heart out to God when you've got two hours worth of stuff to say. If you did that with your earthly father it would be a surface relationship. And that's not the kind of relationship God wants to have with us.

• So I think this is the last bullet. It once again deals with weakness. Recently, during a rough night, there were only two people I wanted to talk to: God and Courtney Johnson.  Even though she only got one very short, very vague text, she sent this back:
  
  I will be praying a lot for you...Let me know if there's anything at all I can do for you. I don't want satan to get the victory in any way because of this. God is STRONGER!!

Just that little last sentence hit the mark. Totally changed how I viewed everything. It really put in perspective how so many times I feel like I'm defeated and struggling to hang on, when I should really be seeing myself as a victor. I am on the winning team. Even if I am weak, the Bible says in my weakness He is strong, so a weak victor is still a victor. Obviously God wins in the end****, but Satan is the king of lies, and if he can lie to us to make us feel like we're less than victorious, he's going to do that. One verse to wrap this up:

1 John 2:14 "I write to you, fathers, because you know Him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have had victory over the evil one."



A. Diez.

*None of these have happened to me. I have great parents, awesome best friends, and am still chugging along through college. These are hypothetical examples.

 

**How sick and how prideful is that? Probably in the nearby future there will be a blog post about grace. Probably after my friend Michelle finishes that one book and lets me barrow it. ;) (Not like I'm rushing you or anything...)

 

***Chris, you seriously get mentioned in like every other post. This is ridiculous. It's either you or Ray Shular- who probably would have gotten mentioned if he hadn't been traveling around the United States for the past two weeks. (This is me being bitter and harboring jealous envy towards you, Ray. Bring me back a souvenir, like the Declaration of Independence or something. The original.)

 

****Spoiler Alert