Thank goodness it's all over.
My classes have ended and the Christmas season is complete. Meaning, work hours have been cut. And for me this is a good thing.
All I have done today is a little God time, ran a few miles, and stalked people on Facebook. No mandatory studying. No make-up.
It has been a very, very good day.
And thanks to the free time, while I probably should be working on my book, I've decided to compose a little of what God's been having to teach me these past threeish months:
What to do when God's silent.
I don't know when it officially started, but I've been kind of sucking with one on one time with God. When I make time for it, I'm about 90% distracted. And the 10% of the time when I'm not distracted, I feel like I'm not getting anything.
Like I'll read the Bible, but it's stuff I've heard before. And it's good to be reminded, but I crave something new and exciting. Something convicting and powerful. And I ask the Holy Spirit to open my eyes to whatever's not clicking, but a lot of times I get zilch.
And because I felt like I couldn't get what God was trying to say, it made time with Him a little less desirable.
A few months back I was finishing up a really, really good run. It was perfect temperature, I'd made great time, and I'd even seen a deer along the route, which was cool. As I was standing by my car thanking God for such a nice moment, I tried to figure out if He was telling me something. Because I wanted to hear from Him. Anything. Was the run an analogy for blessings I wasn't paying attention to? Did the deer represent something important? I asked God a couple of times what He was trying to tell me, and just kept coming up with some pretty ridiculous ideas that were obviously from my own imagination and not the Lord Almighty. Finally, I got something that was from God:
"Let me talk when I want to talk."
Oh, dang. Okay, God.
It became very clear that while I was yearning for Him to speak, if God didn't want to say anything, that was His prerogative. He was God. Me putting words in His mouth because I wanted to hear something was stupid. God is God and He doesn't need help from me. If He wants to make something obvious- He is very able to do that.
And because God is good, even when things aren't clear, it's okay.
Even when it feels like no answers are coming, and no hevy revys are on their way, it's okay.
In Job 38:2, God asks Job, "Who is putting these words in My mouth with no idea what they are talking about?"
I think we do need to be ready to listen, by setting aside quiet time with Him and reading His Word. But I've also learned that really it's foolish to become angry with God (and ourselves) when we feel like He's not speaking to us. If God wanted to He would. If we are being obedient to Him, and we don't hear anything, it's because He's not talking. Why? I don't know. But He's God and He's got reasons. And they're good ones.
This next part goes out to writer friends. Or leaders. Or Speakers. Or whoever. Basically if you in some way talk about God to other people. (Which, this actually should be all Christians.)
Anyways, because I've been working on a book, I've started to realized that apparently you have to do all these things to get it published. Like build a platform. Which is incredibly frustrating to me, seeing as I don't want to be an author my entire life, I have one book I want to do, and do not have what you would call a "platform". I just want to publish. Like now. But in writer's world that's not how it works. You have to win contests and have fans. Have ideas for books to write after you publish your present one. Before you get published. What kind of nonsense is this? I have one book I want to do. One.
So I started freaking out. Majorly. I literally had to fast from working on my book because I could tell it was morphing into an idol. The thing that got me the most was the platform issue. Knowing that while my book was complete, I still needed more things to compose, to get "my name" out there.
I started asking God to show me things to write. Every little thing I would see I would try to relate it to God. Which you think would be a good thing, but it wasn't. Because it was for building my own kingdom. My platform. My crap.
I decided if I was going to get something good from God, something people could really sink their teeth into, I needed to "sacrifice" and get alone with God. I sat on my back porch and once again started asking questions.
I asked. And again, no answers. Questions, questions, questions. Silence. What the heck God? Here I was, neglecting my homework, ignoring my messy room for Him, and He wasn't showing me a darned thing.
Finally, I felt like I got something.
"Alonnah, I feel like you are interviewing me."
I froze. And then I think I cried. The realization that I was using God as a subject to interview, rather than a Father I was building a relationship with crushed me. It was so accurate. It's why I have waited months to write about it- because I didn't want God to think I was using that moment as another way to exploit His Spirit. I'm still uneasy writing about it.
I've learned to remind myself that there is no urgency for me to share what I have learned and who I am. God can talk to people directly. He can and has used animals to do it. If we don't worship Him, rocks will. Someone is going to worship and praise God. He is not limited to Alonnah Diez.
What there is an urgency for is for me to be obedient to my first love. To talk when He wants me to. And to shut up when He wants me to, in order to further our relationship.
I'm excited for my book. Really, really pumped, even though I'm not totally sure what path of publishing it's going to take. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just leak it on to the internet. We'll see. It depends on God. He wrote it anyway.
One very last thing on this subject of God being silent and us worrying- I was cleaning my room for company to come over when I came across the book, "Nice Girls Don't Change the World." Jessica Kent let me borrow it like two years ago. (If you ever let me borrow a book, don't expect it back within a year. I am a slow, slow reader.) Anyways, I opened it up and read the first chapter. It rocked.
The lady talked about how her entire life she tried to serve God to please Him. And it would drive her crazy when she would ask Him what He wanted her to do and she would get no response. Finally, she realized her frustration was coming from her fear of failing. If she didn't know the correct answer, she might mess up. And if she messed up...well crap.
Because she hadn't fully understood grace. She wasn't willing to totally abandon the idea that she was a good person and that she wouldn't disobey God. She wanted to try her best at everything, and so when God was quiet she flipped out.
But that's why grace is so beautiful. Because we don't have to live like we are walking on eggshells all the time. We are told to seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God.
Walk with our God.
Even when He is quiet, we trust Him. We trust Him to talk to us when we need to hear it. And we trust Him when He is quiet- that there is a reason why.
And we trust that when we screw up, because we weren't sure what to do or were too weak, that His grace really does abound in deepest waters.
My name is Alonnah Diez. I am guilty of putting words in God's mouth, using things He has told me to make myself look spiritually intelligent. I lack faith and patience. I have made idols out of things. Mostly myself. And this is only the stuff I am brave enough to admit outloud. But, my name is Alonnah Diez and I have received grace upon grace with all of this. Because God is good.
Even when He's silent.
A.Diez
