My life as a boyfriendless girl.

Love stories always get the best ratings.
So what does that mean for an un-love story? Or more appropriately, a non-existent love story?

Not to say I've never dated or whatever, but, especially in middle school, I didn't have much luck with "love".

And if I'm being honest. It didn't stop after middle school.

Not that I need to be blaming the boys, I guess I'm kind of picky when it comes to this dating thing. Blame my dad, he gave me high standards.

But lately, I've noticed a strange pattern. I've been feeling so desperate for some type of cute little story. I've been getting, for lack of a more mature word, "crushes" on several different guys.
That last about two days.
Or less.

Which is weird. So I started reflecting.

I started in seventh grade. And worked my way up. Since I technically wasn't allowed to go on a date until I was 15, I spent a lot of time liking boys without any results. I went over situation after situation in my mind.

Nights I'd given up with the family to go to the movies. Because of a cute guy.
Conversations I'd spent where I wasn't really listening. Because of looking at a cute guy.
Grades that probably suffered, because of instead of working on my project I spent more energy on talking. To a cute guy.
Friends that were hurt, because I'd spend time after time asking them to help me analyze if a cute guy liked me. Self-centered. Talking about me.

I wonder now how many conversations I missed, how many memories I don't have, and how many others I could have connected with, if I hadn't been poring my energy into all these cute boys.

The strangest thing is, some of these guys I haven't talked to in over 5 years. And now it seems so petty, so pointless. It really makes no difference to me weather they thought 12 year old Alonnah was cute the nights I went to the skating rink. I can't even remember specific things boys said day after day in 2008, but I do remember I'd let it make or break my week.

And then I started realizing, I'll still do that. Not so much with the actions I take, but with how much I concentrate on it. I've been letting this consume my mind.

And then I thought, is this really going to matter 10 years from now.

I know God knows who I'm going to end up with. I've clung to a quote, "If God wants you to be together then there's nothing anyone can do to separate you. But, if God doesn't want you to be together there's nothing you can do to make it work."

But then, a crazy thought occurred to me.

What if God wants me to be single? Forever?

I will have wasted countless hours pouring over lost phone calls and stupid distractions for it all to come to nothing.

Now I'm not saying I believe I'm being lead to a life of singleness. Honestly, as this point, I have no clue if and when Mr. Sweep-me-off-my-feet is going to show up.
But if it's 15 years from now, I don't want to spend these next 15 years wasting my time on guys I'm not going to even have a connection with.

And then I realized, this kind of works with everything.

We obsess and obsess over when God is going to do stuff, and while we do that, we waste the time and opportunities He's given us now.

And I don't think I can risk doing that any more. Because if they're God's plans, I can't risk ignoring them.

God is God. He has a way of making things happen exactly when He needs them to.

So that also means, what's happening in your life right now, it needs to be happening. So we need to pay attention.

That about sums this post up.
Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water.
A.Diez.

Numb



*The Bachelor Spoiler Alert*: Sarah gets kicked off.

For those of you who don't know, the Bachelor is a show where one man dates multiple women to try to find his future wife. At the end of each episode, he has to send at least one woman home, thus ending their relationship.

Well last week, it was Sarah.

Sean, this season's Bachelor, explained to her before she left, why he didn't think things would work out for them. (Paraphrased): "You know, at the beginning I felt a connection, and I really liked you. But the more time I spent with you it just kind of fizzled out. I don't know if you sensed it, but I started to feel like we were forcing this relationship."

Needless to say, Sarah took it like a woman- she cried. Because hearing that is hard. But, saying that to someone is hard too.

I've seen it vise versa with my friends. One will be dating a guy she was really into at first, but then a few weeks later just kind of lost it. So they break it off.

But you know who I've never seen this with? My parents.

Now I don't want to paint the picture that my mom and dad are constantly acting head over heels, can't leave each other's side, won't shut up about the other one. Not at all. Sometimes the most romantic thing they do is eat dinner together. Because life has a way of taking up your time and becoming just a little monotonous.

But, when things aren't "exciting" or "new" or they just "aren't feeling it" my parents have never once considered breaking it off. They're married. They knew it was a better or for worse kind of deal when they signed up.

Let me just clarify, this post is not about divorce.

Actually, I think I'd better just get to my point. This past month, my relationship with God has been a little ho-hum. Haven't seen any wine come out of my water bottle lately. No deep emotional connection. Which is hard, because I've felt that with God before, and it's indescribably cool.

So, I decided a few weeks ago I was going to make myself feel it again. I devoted one Saturday to Bible reading, prayer, and worship. And at the end of the day, I had definitely spent a lot of time with Him, but I still felt kind of, for lack of a better word, bored. The passion just wasn't there.

I started thinking back to the times I'd felt some of my deepest connections with God. One of them was a night I was heading home, and on a whim parked by the basketball courts. It had been a bad day and I needed some time to compose myself. That night, when I prayed, I felt all of it. The peace and comfort and love and protection and promises and goodness and everything good you feel when when you're at the peak of your relationship with Him.

But that was just a spur of the moment thing, I hadn't planned it. Nothing was forced.

And I think, with feeling that connection, you really can't force it. You never can force emotions, no matter how hard you try. Those times where we feel God's presence, we don't choose those. He does.

After realizing that last week, I began to think, "Did I seriously just waste my whole Saturday? I could have read one Bible verse and been on my happy way."

But then the analogy of my parents came back into play.

On days when the butterflies aren't really there, my dad doesn't just stop telling my mom he loves her. She doesn't ignore him when he walks through the door.

It's hard when we aren't in the mood to pray or worship Him. We feel like it's almost fake. But, we're in a marriage type relationship with God, not a dating one. And in a marriage, you stay faithful through the patches where it feels "rough".
Because, God never lets us go if it feels "rough".

I hope this brought you some kind of encouragement. After realizing my lack of feeling didn't mean my lack of faith, well, it really helped me.

I love the love God has for me. And I strive for feeling that love for Him too. But no matter where my emotions are, I want to always show Him my love, by living exactly how I promised Him I would.

Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water.
A.Diez.

Grace is my favorite color.

Warning.

If you begin reading this, you have to make a promise to me that you'll read the entire thing. There are points I make that are later cleared up in the end, so please don't get mad and then shut your computer before finishing the article. After you've read it all, then comment away! But I'm begging you, from one computer screen to another, please commit to finishing this entire post once you start. Thanks! Here we go...














I'm about to get your blood pumping in about .2 seconds.

Homosexuality.
No matter which way you lean on this issue, there's no doubt in my mind you're now at the edge of your seat, wondering if I agree or disagree with you. Already in your head composing a comment towards this post, and, if you're anything like me, you might be tapping your leg up and down, trying to let out some tension.

I know this is an emotion-based topic. And a dangerous one to talk about.

But, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And talking. And talking about thinking, and thinking about the talking. And I've come to some interesting realizations between the church and homosexuality.

It's no secret the church as a majority doesn't agree with this. And for a very good reason. There is verse after verse in the Bible, where it is stated clearly that homosexuality is a sin. Black and white. No getting around it.

Don't stop reading yet.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.

Did you see the highlighted sin? Of course you did, it's highlighted, that's what we're talking about, it's the first thing your eyes scanned to when you saw the Bible verse.

But we've missed something.

Those who indulge in sexual sin.

Here's the thing, in Romans it says homosexuality came from lust. And every time I hear a Christian say this, I hear the counter argument that homosexuals truly love each other.
And I truly believe that.

Because, regardless of who you are, think about your best friend. I'm thinking about mine. She's amazing. I trust her advice, her judgement, her character. I remember all the late night phone calls, silly jokes, meaningful discussions. I love hanging out with her, any chance I get. I honestly don't know how I'd ever live without her, if anything ever happens to her, I know a part of my heart will be missing.

I love her.

If anyone told me I couldn't be around her, we would have issues. Because she is my favorite person.
So I understand what homosexuals are saying.

In retrospect though, just because you love someone doesn't mean you sleep with them.

And this sucks. It's hard. If you have a true love for someone, and are sexually attracted to them, you want to express that love through being intimate. I know this. I've had hormones. And I've had boyfriends.

But that's where sin comes in. Because God makes it super clear that sex is supposed to be reserved for a man and a wife. (Dude and chick who are promised to each other, forever.)

Please, keep reading.

Here's the thing I've recently realized though. Being gay is just the same as having issues with lust. That's really all it is. It's just issues with lust for a different gender. And, everyone I've ever known has had issues with lust.

So, in retrospect, being gay is normal.

Hear me out: Since the beginning of time guys have lusted over girls and vise versa. There are countless poems in history that men have written about the female body. It's an obvious fact that we're subconsciously drawn to each other's bodies. We crave sex. Even with people God doesn't plan for us to be with.

I understand if you are a "homo"sexual. I am a "lust"sexual, along with the rest of the world.

But just because we feel something, doesn't mean we act on it.

I think men lusting after men is wrong. But, I also believe men lusting after women is wrong too. And women after men and women after women.

The only reason people think homosexuality is so creepily weird is because it's only "okay" for a man to lust after a woman. That's society's rules and it's become what's expected.

In this, I'm not saying we should start accepting homosexuality as okay. But we should in fact stop accepting straight lust as okay too. Lust is lust.

But the great thing is, there's another part to that Bible verse, a second part. The end of the verse reads:
"Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

Lust is so hard to get over. It's a daily struggle. But that's why we have God. He doesn't tell us these things are wrong to embarrass us, He says this to help us. We need to turn to Him through any sin, but I think as a society, we especially need to turn to Him with this.

Love everyone. That's great. But when it comes to sleeping with people, God makes it super clear that the bed is supposed to be between a man and a woman. Who are married. To each other.


I don't really know how to end this, so I'll just stop here. I hope I didn't offend anyone, though I'm sure I did, and I am truly sorry. I know lust is a universal thing. It's something we all need to examine, and I believe it's something we all need to change the way we think about.

If you are confused on my beliefs PLEASE comment or facebook message me.
Thanks for reading. I hope you don't hate me now. <:)

Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water.
A.Diez