But it's totally not my fault. I'm blaming this one on God.
This entire day I've spent packing for Dauphin Island. (We leave Saturday for the mission trip- if anyone wants to shoot up some prayers.) I realized, after I'd finished my laundry, my chai tea, and my nightly Facebook stalking, that I'd packed my Bible in my duffle bag already. Because it took me three different tries to get everything to fit AND I had to literally stand on top of the bag to zip it shut, I decided to leave my Bible right where it was and go find an old one to use.
I've been reading in 1 Corinthians lately, and a little in Jeremiah too. But since I didn't have my bookmark I just flipped to John and skimmed over some highlights. John 15 was a pretty great chapter for starting a mission trip, and I was digging 14:26, because recently I've been super stressed lately.
Stressed about what Alonnah?
Well, I am so glad you asked.
I never used to be a perfectionist. In fact, when my orthodontist told me I got to keep my braces for an extra 6 months, because he wanted them "good as gold", I firmly decided I wanted to be an un-perfectionist. However, over the years, I have somehow gravitated to the idea that I must be perfect in everything.
So, like I said, I've been reading 1 Corinthians. And particularly the part about head coverings. And when I read that I started to flip out, like "Why do I not wear a head covering? Am I supposed to be wearing a head covering? Or does my hair count? Or was it cultural? Do I wait until I get married to wear a head covering? Or do single girls wear them too? I should just not get married so I don't have to wear one." I've done lots of research, and I've learned a ton, and I think I have for once and for all decided that no, I do not need to wear one. However, I keep coming back to it. Every time I read 1 Cor, I feel condemned. Like I am dumb for not being able to figure out what the perfect and correct answer to all of this is.
And then there's been this thing where I've been concerned with idolatry. No, I haven't been secretly bowing down to a little statue of Buddha in my spare time, but I have heard how idolatry can be in the form of putting something or someone else before God. And I am like "Whoa. Can't do that now can I?" So I've been asking pretty much any wise person who will listen how to keep something from being an idol. And so I've re-evaluated my entire life and gone "Is this or is this not an idol? IS IT OR IS IT NOT?" So much to the point where I've probably made WORRYING about an idol, idolatry.
Finally, the latest worry, modesty. Last night I was doing research and ran across a video of Christian guys talking about what did and did not seem modest to them. And I was shocked. Clothes that I wore TO BE MODEST weren't appropriate by their standards. So what did I do? Well, to my friend Ray's delight, I called him and made him watch the video (at 12:32 am) and then had him tell me his thoughts. (According to Ray my closet is modest and I have nothing to worry about.) However, I went to bed feeling like I was a bad Christian girl and I should switch all my outfits to sweatpants and T-Shirts.
So tonight when I read John 14:26 "But the Holy Spirit, who the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have said to you." I was like "YESSS. God that is totally what I need." Because I've been so confused as to if what I am doing is right or if what I am doing is wrong.
Because God is cool and I'm weird, I felt prompted to read backwards a little bit, and started John 13- Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Read this:
"No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." "Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!" Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean...(John 13:8-10)
The story of Jesus washing the feet is a beautiful example of truly serving others- and I think that's the point Jesus was trying to make. However, thanks to the Holy Spirit, who the Father sent to me, teaching me all things, I was shown a different analogy with all of this. I was being like Peter.
Sin has made us dirty. Just by walking around in the world we can't avoid it. Laziness, lust, pride, worry, selfishness, addictions- it's everywhere and we're all guilty. So- before we ask Jesus to come into our life and save us- we are dirty. And so many times when we hear about Jesus, we're like "No! You can't clean me up! I'm way too gross and you are way too perfect. It won't work. You'll never wash my feet!"
But, because He loves us so intensely, when we repent and ask Jesus to be the propitiation for our sin, He does it, because He wants us to be with Him forever. (1 John 4:9-10, one of my favorite verses about salvation).
I've known this. My entire life I've been taught that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me (Romans 5:8) and because of this, my sins are no more. All the gross stuff I did, am doing, and will do in the future are taken care of because Jesus's paid that debt. This is not new to me anymore.However, while I was reading the second part of that passage in John, the Holy Spirit was like "ALONNAHHH!"
"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"
I love how jung hu Peter is about this whole washing thing. He's like, "Yeah buddy! Do or die! Let's take this to level 10. YOLO! Except..wait, no, now I get to live twice! Oh my gosh, Jesus wash my head!"
Just this attitude alone is totally me. I get so into things, it's like if you are going to do it you might as well do it 100% right? I feel like if Simon Peter and I were on a team together, we would totally win most spirited. (Not spiritual, spirited. Like the rah rah sis boom bah).
But then it was like, I did a double take and the Holy Spirit showed me I had more in common with Peter than just enthusiasm. It's like the past several months I've been focusing on all the things I'm probably doing wrong and stressing myself out about needing to fix this or that.
And Jesus is like "You are already clean...?"
There have been times when I feel convicted and it is the best thing in the world for me. Though conviction is uncomfortable, it is always good, and has benefitted my relationship with Christ on so many levels. However, in situations where I am stressing that I may be doing something wrong, to the point where I can't even think about God because I am making myself feel too condemned, it's like I am trying to be a perfectionist again. I'm not trusting the Holy Spirit to show me what needs fixing, to teach me when I need it. Instead I have been frantically judging myself every chance I get.
In this post I am not saying to stop evaluating the fruit you are bearing. You do not have to clean yourself up to come to Jesus, however having Him in your life WILL clean you up. So, it's always good to do a double take and make sure you are actually walking with Him. However, walking with Him is more than just obeying Him. It's spending time with Him, letting Him love on you and just enjoying His wonders. If you are like me, and spend all of your time worrying if you are doing it right or not, you aren't even doing what you were created and saved to do- which is have a relationship with Him.
Sometimes we get so legalistic.
Time to share one of my new favorite verses: "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye on you." -Psalm 32:8
God isn't up in Heaven going "Oh my gosh that idiot Alonnah! She can't figure out if her clothes are modest and she doesn't know if that's an idol for her and she sure as heck is too stupid to understand what the heck a head covering is really supposed to signify! She's just too dumb for Me to explain things too!"
Nah. Even my dumbness isn't strong enough to keep God from teaching me. And He's got His eye on me, so if I start to do something that's off, He can re-direct me. Thank goodness.Now that it's 12:37, and my bedtime was TWO hours ago, I think it is time I hit the hay. I have a date with some tennis shoes at 6:00 tomorrow morning, and it only gets better from there.
Thanks for reading.
Live without pretense. Love. Drink more water. Trust He'll show you.
A. Diez
